Let me share some snippets of my expertise with you. I hope you find them useful and if you would like to chat more, just…
Don’t feel your questions have to be smart or even informed. Allow your curiosity to be your guide. And know that some audience members are not experts. When someone tells me what they do for a living, I don’t assume that I know. I ask, “If I followed you around all day what would I see you actually doing?” This answer is far more interesting than their title!
Some interviewers go on and on and on about themselves. Nobody cares. Allow your expertise to show through your thoughtful questions. Some interviewees do the same; nobody cares! The interviewer wants to improve their condition; they want YOU to help solve their problem. Your self-bio is the least of what they need. They will patiently wait for the ego to unfold but what they really want is what you’ve got for them, not who you are to yourself.
My final tip in this series is something I've learned from experts in negotiation. When it is obviously a bad deal a key technique is to “Walk Away”; it's important that you recognize when it is time to decline, and reassess. This always reminds me of the famous 1968 hit by the Four Tops, ”Walk Away Renee”. Why don't you take a moment to enjoy this masterful group here.
My next series will be on ideas for when you are being interviewed and when you are interviewing. Watch this space!
It will pay big dividends to write ‘that letter you were always going to write’ to your clients, colleagues, friends, children, spouse or partner. Maybe you could also include a former professor, the physician who encouraged you to follow your specialty, that special person who doesn’t really know they are special. Consider a handwritten letter verses an email. Either is better than not doing it, but the impact of a handwritten one really lasts!
This may be just me, but I have a visceral negative reaction to self-described “opinionated people.” I really don’t want to know their opinion, especially when it begins with “Well here’s my opinion about that!” It often feels superior, competitive, and rigid. An alternative might be a question, an affirmation of the other, an encouragement, a discussion. But this is just my opinion!
Consider asking every attendee to bring a problem that they need help with to a meeting, instead of a report. To save time have them write it up in under 200 words and publish it at the meeting. Give a time period not to repeat the problem (we’ve seen it already) but to answer questions and take suggestions, without comment, only for consideration. This is important because otherwise you’ll have defensive debates. At the end of each you might conclude with, “Is there anything there that intrigues you and might get things more on the right track?”
This is the title of one of my books co-authored with Cyndi Maxey CSP. We heard recently that someone was teaching our book with closed-ended questions and lectures! As an author all I could think was “Fantastic!” with a big grin. When you facilitate, get others talking and your content will emerge in the same way as when we mix ingredients for that stews and cakes.
Put your colleagues into small groups of three and have them focus on one question for 5-8 minutes then move to a new group. After a few moves ask, “What did you just learn from your group members?” Always avoid the deadly, boring, mind-numbing “Let’s all report out!” or “What did everyone say?” What they learned, leads to others learning, which is the whole point of any meeting. In fact, on Zoom I learned the Chat Box Waterfall from Caelan Huntress. Simply ask everyone on your Zoom call to go to the chatbox then say “I’m going to give you 45 seconds to type, but don’t hit enter until I tell you so. Here is your question _____...now type…don’t hit enter.” Then I go quiet (we can’t type and listen at the same time!) and after 45 seconds I say, “OK hit enter!” You’ll see a cascade of participation! Then simply pick a person and have them share, then they pick a person and so on. No need to do everyone. Save the chat and distribute.
You know which one it is! For me it was presenting at @ACHE 2021 Congress without slides. I’m not a huge fan of PowerPoint or Keynote anyway so I thought I’d give it a try. I took the advice of professional speaker Catherine Johns to look ‘through’ the camera (not ‘at’ the camera). I had a few notes like Lester Holt has for @NBC Nightly News does, an outline of major ideas on a flip chart behind the camera, and I envisioned my invisible audience loving every minute! It was a risk, but I’d already seen so many presenters who ‘shared their screen’ and then it was slide after slide after slide, sometimes every word narrated by the speaker! How about you? What would be a small risk for you? About how:
· A meeting with only chairs in a circle.
· An electronics free meeting…no computers, no cell phones, no slides.
· Sitting with each patient you visit instead of standing.
· Asking your nurses the best question I learned from Char Wenc: “What do you know, that I don’t know, that I should know?” A great, great question for every executive or parent to also ask!
· Inviting your “Dr. Evil” to coffee just to chat. (Every organization has one. Maybe this person is isolated, lonely, and in need of you!)
· Treat your kids to ‘dessert first’ next time you are out for a family dinner. Quite literally order dessert first prior to the entrée. (Your children will love you forever! One of my physician clients did it at Denny’s with his four kids and his wife. Yes, she was surprised! He told me with a lump in his throat, “Kevin it was the best dinner we ever had…we talked! No iPads, no phones…we talked!”)
· During your next “I am losing this argument” moment just say “I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Then get your act together and return with “Now, where were we?” Notice the change that always happens in mood, communication, and cooperation.
· Marina Bluvshtein a professor from Adler University in Chicago advises “Try to win an agreement instead of an argument!”
· Negotiation expert Derek Arden from the UK advises that people love a good talking with, rarely a good talking to!
Risks taken never feel that big after all!
Be careful about the letters after your name and the ones after theirs. Let them see yours but focus on theirs. Ask about their PhD and their thesis. Ask how medical school was for them. Notice the MBA and other Master’s degrees and inquire about what they learned. Be impressed with @Harvard, @Loyola, as well as the schools you never heard of before with equal curiosity. Physicians love to talk about how they chose their specialty; healthcare executives love to talk about the latest innovation; chaplains about their latest patient or family; and students really like to talk about a favorite professor. Ask, paraphrase, listen. Be more about their ‘alphabet soup’ than your own.
Are you still struggling to think of your New Year’s resolution? How about this - ask those who know you best (at work and at home) a simple but telling question: “What do I do well and what is one thing you might suggest that I consider doing more (or less!) of?” We do this at the end of every semester with our students at Institute of Pastoral Studies Loyola University. Everyone answers everyone including students telling professors. It is eye opening and encouraging. We are already noticing it and thinking about it, so why not help another by offering it?
I asked this to a group of attorneys recently and without exception they just loved to talk to other attorneys, law professors, and each other. No one said they love to talk to their clients, spouses or partners about the law! None! How about you? Who do you love to talk to about your profession? If it is only to those in the same profession, then a stretch might be to focus on another audience and see if you can effectively translate what you know. I told one of my physicians recently that I have another 25 years left of active service before I slow down. He smiled and said, “All I can tell you Kevin is that all of my 90-year old patients have two things in common.” Then he pointed to his head and said, “They stay active here” and pointed to his legs and said, “They stay active here!” My internal response was, “Well I’m 50% on the way!” My external response was, “Understood!” All of the tests, history, medical advice, and notes in a file were of less use than his intuition to align with my 25-year goal. If you know how to talk to your audience in a way that it sticks with them well beyond the moment, then you’ve gained a non-expert that you will love to talk with. Translate what you know, so that they will know, what you know!
· “Think of it as….”
· “Sort of like…”
· “It is as if….”
· “I remember this one time when…”
· “I once noticed…”
· “One of my professors remarked that…”
In your meetings and presentation keep using metaphors and stories to keep the audience in alignment with you, to keep them interested, and to turn your expertise into useful information. One of my attorney clients said with some exasperation, “How many ways can I explain the term ‘negligence’?” To all of us non-lawyers it is worth the effort. Your audience will always be polite and nod in agreement but retain nothing! So, check at the end of any technical explanation with the simple and powerful, “I’m trying to get better at this. Please tell me in your own words what you think negligence is.” You will be amazed how clear you were…or maybe you’ll have some clearing up to do!
Teaching at Loyola University of Chicago’s Institute of Pastoral Studies gives me a worldwide view of life with students from Korea, Poland, China, Spain, South America, India, Pakistan, and even from Atlanta, Georgia! As I teach, I’ve learned to use their native language to teach me more about our English vocabulary. I recently asked the students to put the word “hunch” on the board in their native language and then to define it. None defined it as “hunch” instead painting a video for us of that word in action. I asked a student from Thailand to write “empathy” on the board in Thai…it was a very long word! When asked to define it, she thought for a moment and said, “Sitting on my grandmother’s lap after dinner before the fireplace.” Perfect! With your international colleagues or neighbors try using their language early and often to enhance your English understanding. The powerful world of words, images, metaphors, and inclusion awaits.
When the other person invades your amygdala with a word that seems accusatory, negative or combative many of us are more than ready to react. Often, we show it nonverbally and then accept the challenge as we enter the battlefield of verbal combat, competition, and opinion. Like little leaguers putting one hand over the others going up the bat to see who goes first we can easily and understandably (and immediately!) swing into action.
Here is an alternative approach: Pause. Wait. Focus. Then paraphrase. As hard as it might be, respond back to the person in your language with what they said, and make sure there’s no attitude in it. Don’t mirror them exactly, create your own restatement then look for an affirmative head nod, agreeing eyes, or a lessened fury. Sometimes it helps to use one or two of their words interspersed with your understanding as this helps them hear what they said, “Jerk, idiot, etc” It's often clearly painful for them.
The goal is to get the head nod. This is also your secret weapon against yourself. We have a plaque in our kitchen that reads “Lord put your hand on my shoulder and the other one over my mouth!” Pause, paraphrase, and then respond with “I have a slightly different take on that…would you like to hear it?” Or as Phil Jones suggests in his book, ‘Exactly What To Say’, “How open minded would you be to hearing my take on it?” Then….PAUSE!
I am continually amazed by presentation after presentation where the opening lines are about the presenter and not the audience. Are you guilt of ever starting with any of the following?
· “You probably want to know a bit about me…”
· “I am blah blah and I studied at blah blah and blah blah blah…”
· “Before we get the meat of today I want to thank…”
· “Before I get to the report you’ve been waiting for, you have to understand…”
· And of course, the infamous, “How’s everyone doing this morning?” (followed by “I can’t hear you!”)
While the audience will be patient with you nonverbally (we’ve been taught to sit and listen politely!) they will also mark you as ordinary, expected, and frankly, wasting their time.
Dale Carnegie’s famous admonition, “Tell them what you are going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you told them” still works today for the soul reason - it is audience focused. Our nervousness, our ego, our desire to please or our wish to look good unfortunately puts the focus on us instead of those who came to hear us. The hard truth is that the audience don’t really care about you. No matter how important you are, the audience has one pivotal question in their minds “Can you help me solve my problem; can you improve my condition.” Start there and you will see and maybe even hear your audience say, “Whew! Yes!”
Be good to yourself. Be kind and forgiving. Understand that you will make mistakes. You will contribute to others who you may never hear from again, but they walk away from you with the best words of all, “I felt heard.”
Be curious about people beyond the nouns they use to describe themselves or their jobs. Go for the adverbs and the verbs…that is where the action is! Your colleague just returned from a vacation in the Arctic to watch the caribou migration (I am not kidding, she really did!). Ask an interesting question that gets to the heart of the journey for her. “Tell me what you saw in the animals’ eyes that intrigued you?” or “What was the most challenging part of the trip?” (This is a never-fail question, helping the other person go deeper). Avoid the obvious questions… “Bathrooms? Buses? Food? Masks?” and go for the motivational questions that help you be there with them.
When others compliment you on a speech, presentation, or contribution obviously say “thank you” but also follow up with “What did you like especially?” You will find a host of content that you said (and didn’t say!) in their answer. Ask your boss why they hired you. Ask your customers why they buy from you. Ask your spouse why they stay with you. Ask your children their favorite memory of the two of you. And finally look soulfully into your dog’s eyes and ask why he loves you! (Be careful attempting this with cats!) Ask and you shall find an abundance of what makes you valuable, no need to guess.
I suppose this is one of those statements that is met with either “Duh, I knew that” or “Wow, brilliant!” Actually, it might be neither; it is simply a working principle that directs us to all human activity…we want to be heard…and when we are heard we are open to hear.
Loud, angry, sarcastic, frustrated, anxious and a few hundred other very descriptive words for our emotions might be how we feel but not how we want to come across. If you intimidate then ‘who you are’ will spread like wildfire throughout the organization. You won’t be seen as correct but as a bully - weak, self-centered, and alone. Feel the emotion of course, identify it for sure, but if you put it out first and loud, you’ll scare off even your most loyal supporter.
Emotions are the gas in our tank - they provide the fuel to move us. However, they do not belong at the steering wheel. You may be attracted to many different people for many different reasons, but you marry only one after a good deal of thoughtful decision making (hopefully!) The sweet smell of chocolate cookies arouses even the strongest of us, but how many go into your mouth is decided at the steering wheel not the gas tank.
Monitor your emotions before you put them on public display, or reply to the email, or take to Twitter. A good rule of thumb is “Given how I feel and how strongly I feel about this, what is the best way for me to communicate so that others will receive it with respect and perhaps change?”
