Do you really need to say it all?

Sometimes the CEO or someone of a higher rank than your boss, might want a moment with you, alone, without HR! Perhaps it was something that provoked their interest in you, or a casual elevator “Let’s get together sometime” (that you wisely followed up on!). Perhaps you want to set them straight on a few things that are happening, or create a strong impression of yourself. Completely understandable… just, don’t!

On paper we would never do any of those things, but ask anyone in power and you will repeatedly hear the same mistakes we make when given time with them. Instead, make yourself known by listening, aligning, and asking questions that allow them to give you advice.

One CEO said to me, “My door is always open to everyone, and I’ll give them about two minutes to help me understand why I should give them two more!” He wasn’t the most popular person but he was clear! Consider finding ways to say things through your actions, your patience, your kindness, your listening…and then in an informed and intentional way, say your piece not because it ‘needs to be said’ but because it needs to be received.

Say hello to (and make friends with) your inner expert

What do you do well? What are you really, really good at? Go beyond your resume or curriculum vitae. Even go beyond your surgical skills, or your ability with finance or law. Ask yourself the question “What would they say at my funeral?”

One of my grammar school classmates just died and he did such a remarkable thing: he wrote his own obituary! “If you are reading this then what I said a lot ‘With birth, comes death, everything in between is the adventure’ must apply to me at this moment. An obituary is usually dry and stuffy, but my adventure in life was very much the opposite of the norm. I would like to share some things with you…” He went on to detail quite a life of service and adventure and gratefulness. It ended with “I did it my way, as always.” He told us what he did and what he did well…and who he was. Reading the many entries to the ‘tribute wall’ posted by the funeral home was just as remarkable, with detailed thoughts, experiences and emotions that this man engendered in others. A significant life for sure.

Reflect on this and think about your significance instead of only your material success.

Prepare for Presence

When my colleague, Char Wenc taught at Loyola University of Chicago she always advised her students to “Be Present and Have Presence” and ensured that they knew those were two very different things.

“Were you at the meeting last week?”

“I was sitting right next to you!”

“Well, you didn’t say anything!”

Prepare for presence. YOUR presence. What are the three things you want to make sure you say in the meeting regardless of the discussion? What is the essential message of the meeting content that you want others to know? What questions do you need to ask in order to help move things forward? This is particularly important if you are angry, hurt, or resentful…what are you not going to say?

Go further by helping to clarify the messages in the discussion with paraphrasing. Add in some empathy too! Wait and summarize. Let a moment of silence linger a bit, let it hang in the air. For in-person meetings, sit in a different chair each time, even next to the boss sometimes. Position yourself to see everyone else. If you are running the meeting use a circle of chairs – it cuts down on others doing their emails, enlivens active discussion, and keeps people awake. No need to be a chatterbox; just don’t be on ‘mute’ throughout.

Recognize the voice within

The voice within is YOUR voice. This is the voice that likely talks to you all day long, “Should I or shouldn’t I? This way or that way? Respond or stay quiet? What if…? And then what…?” My goodness what we say to ourselves!

Consider how much of what we say is a warning, a discouragement, a critique, or a demanding parent to an innocent you. When we teach advanced executive professional speaking, the request each and every time from the class is: “What did this person do well? What is just one thing they could have done better? What is the special expertise that you noticed?” That’s all you need to get better and better with each presentation and come to think of it, with each interaction. No need for an inner judgment, no need for an inner critique, no need for perfection; simply a way to reorient yourself for the next right step.

You may have had a difficult conversation, a difficult meeting, a difficult day…but you can use these three little prompts to guarantee the next right step: “What did I do well? What is just one thing I could have done better? And what is the special expertise within me that I noticed?”

A final thought – in today’s environment it might be helpful to watch or rewatch the movie “Up In The Air” with George Clooney. Certainly, recommended for any HR professional!

Prepare the voicemail

Have you ever received a voicemail that sounds like a car commercial on the radio when they have to read the fine print as fast as possible? You have to listen to it three times to get the number right, or you are left wondering which ‘Bob’ is calling you?

Next time you make a call, be prepared to get the person’s voicemail. Decide in advance what to say, the pace you will speak, the information vital to the return call (always give your phone number even if you know they already have it), and the purpose of your call…again in a voice as steady as if you were on NPR.

You don’t need to tell them the time or day, the phone will tell them that. Nor do you need to tell them the weather where you are, they don’t care. Nor do you need to imitate an airline pilot’s announcement, “This is, uhhh, your captain speaking, today we are uhhhh going to Seattle (we know that) and we uhhhh will be flying at 35,000 feet (not necessary) and uhhh given the time I won’t be making any more uhhhh announcements,” At last some good news!

Leave a good impression - clear, crisp, professional, paced, with just enough information. That way they will not only remember to return your call, but won’t be afraid to do so!

First step might be the hardest

Meetings and discussions are prime opportunities to make ourselves heard, but often hesitancy, embarrassment, and simple ignorance prevent us from saying anything.

I was recently with a group of men who were discussing a baseball game – their vast knowledge of the game was met with equal amounts of enthusiasm! My ‘sports chat’ however is limited to when I watch the Olympics every four years, and the odd demolition derby or two during the summer. I am quite literally clueless with nothing to contribute. Nothing! So, I sat in silence occasionally nodding my head to show some semblance of, well, anything. Everyone could have been speaking Romanian for all I knew!

Being an extrovert, one can only do this for so long before breaking so I took a different approach. “You mentioned ______, the first baseman. In your opinion what makes him so special?” At that moment I was desperately hoping the guy was the first baseman! All of a sudden, an entirely new conversation began with me there too. The ‘guys’ all had an opinion… all I had to do was ask a few more questions out of real curiosity (and complete ignorance!) to be able to join in.

My inner expertise is curiosity, not baseball. This same skill allows me to communicate with executives, the homeless, snobs, us commoners, even with those I don’t like a whole lot!  Phew, this time I made it out of a sports discussion with my self-esteem intact…and I even found out what a first baseman is supposed to do!

“I felt heard, thank you.”

This was the response I had from recent interactions with two different people. I didn’t ask for the response and frankly I might have passed it off as a simple ‘thank you’. But the earnestness of their first three words took me by surprise. It made me wonder how often I may have missed this message before. I also wondered how many times I may have missed helping someone to feel heard, with my focus instead working to ‘solve for’ or advise or placate or quiz. Those people may have felt better heard by their dog, cat or budgie! Making someone feel heard doesn’t have to be complex - paraphrasing and empathy are powerful tools for simple communication. When was the last time you said to yourself “I felt heard”, or better yet the last time someone told you “I felt heard, thank you.”?

The Meaning of Democracy

Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”

Montessori Teachers Know Something We Often Forget

Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.

Distribute Responsibility

Rudolf Dreikurs, MD advised, “The only way to teach responsibility is to give it.” I would also add, give it before the person is completely able. Physicians are taught with “See one, Do one, Teach one.” The Jesuits I teach at @Loyola University of Chicago recommend that if you really want to learn something then teach it. If you and I take all of the responsibility as the leader then there is little left for the team, and you will see passivity set it quickly and quite permanently.  If doctors were only taught to “See one, see one, see one” you can only imagine what happens when they actually “Do one”…on us!

Notes, Quotes, and Affirmations

Take notes on what your people say at meetings - the great quotes they spontaneously come up with, affirmations you hear. Then what if you sent a note out within an hour, a short note, that captured the essence of the meeting? Hearing our name out loud is precious and seeing it is special too. Does this memo take time? Yes. And your point is?

Conflict Well

Teach your team how to conflict, how to speak with discomfort, and how to stay in cooperative alliance with one another. In baseball the umpire is the judge deciding right and wrong; the manager roots for one team over the other; the spectators are anticipating action or eating; the players work to win…but the color commentator in the booth simply describes the action. What if, the next time conflict rears its head, you simply describe the action as it is happening verbally, with a flip chart, and/or further discussion in small groups? Always end the meeting, whether in teams or one-on-one, with a genuine thank you for the conflict. “You could have gone quiet, you could have told everyone in the parking lot or break room, or you could have bullied but you stayed and talked it out. Thank you. I know this might not yet be settled but I am confident we are going to figure this out.” When is the last time someone thanked you for having a conflict with them?

Provide Opportunities

Do you always have to run the meeting? What if you didn’t? What if two members of the team did it? One of my clients paired two warring members with a high-profile meeting where they were forced to cooperate. Of course, after a few of those meetings they became fast friends! Yes, they did! You really don’t have to do what they can do. One leader shows up at the beginning of a team meeting with an inquiry about what everyone wants to accomplish, gives some very brief perspective remarks, then leaves! He returns for the final 15 minutes with innocent curiosity and lots of encouragement.

Judge Not…Offer Last

As the leader of the group, the expert, the one with the experience it is quite tempting to weigh in early and often. It saves time, gets right to the point, and solves the problem. Or does it? What if you weighed in last, used some words the others had used, responded to someone who needed some affirmation with a “Tell me more…” and even asked some “I wonder…” questions? Of course, it is easy to judge who did their homework, who is the shining rising star, who is the pleaser, who shirks the spotlight; but what if instead of judging (in your mind or out loud) you simply say, “Isn’t that interesting!”

Resist Sarcasm

From the Greek word literally translated: “To tear the flesh like dogs!” Our inner translation when we are sarcastic: “Funny insightful me!”  The recipient’s inner experience: “Ouch!” This is common banter in our culture, especially among men. Perhaps it is a kind of jousting while ostensibly jesting. But consider what it is like to be the target of the sarcasm. That might not be as welcomed. Equivalent to being in a courtroom: would you rather be the one asking the questions or the one in the witness box having to answer them? We can replace sarcasm with encouragement…or even kindness!

Encourage, encourage, encourage…but rarely praise

Praise is a judgment of another person as if we are giving out Olympic medals. “You are a great student” or “You are the best (of this or that)” There is nothing essentially wrong with praise, other than it is easily dismissed by the other. “I’m not that great!” might be the response. The same if you compliment others on their presentation, hair, clothes, etc. Again, nothing wrong with it but instead try the skill of encouragement: “I noticed how hard you worked on that assignment” or “I felt inspired by the way the team rallied when Shanita was in the hospital.”  Encouragement speaks to effort, movement, strength, and faith in the person. Encouragement then can be used even when failure is right around the corner. Olympic beach volleyball players high five and hug after every play, even the plays that have gone wrong.  “I know this is really difficult for you and I want you to know that based on who I have seen you to be, I have a great deal of faith that you will do your best.” Consider the difference between these two statements after someone gives a great presentation: “Nice job, great speech.” Or “I must tell you how much I liked the way you emphasized the importance of the nurses in collaboration with the physicians in the ICU last week.”

Take Advantage of Unexpected Personal Moments

Our ‘work’ (no doubt replying to emails!) should never take preference over our department visits, our rounding with our physicians and nurses, or even showing up on the midnight shift unexpectedly, but with pizzas in hand…of course! Has a relative of your staff died? Attend the wake. In the hospital, sure you can send flowers, but make the note attached really special…not the words of your administration assistant, but heartfelt words from YOU.

Develop a Flexible Reliable Routine

Phone calls: “Is this a good time for you?”

End of meetings: “Let’s take five minutes to talk about how effective this meeting was and what we can do better next time.”

One-on-one meetings: “I’d like to talk about what we are to accomplish here today and then invite you to tell me what you most want to have happen at the end of this meeting.”

Meetings with specialists: “Today, think of me as your student and you as my professor. I want to learn what I need to know that you already know.” (thanks to Mehmood Khan)

Meetings with students, residents, and observers: “What would you like to learn today?”

Meeting with your boss or your boss’ boss: “How can I help today?”

Meeting someone who is mad at you: “I am so appreciative of you coming today; how can we figure this out together?”

Meeting with your administrative assistants, department heads or nurses on the floor: “What do you know, that I don’t know, that I should know?”

End of meetings: “I’d like to take a moment to remind myself and all of us why we met today (for patients’ safety, for nurse morale, to secure the finances so we can continue our mission, etc.) Thanks to Dr Frank Dono, (RIP) from OhioHealth

When asked if you have a minute: “Yes, I have two but then I have to run off…want to schedule more time for later today?”

When you want to avoid a downer discussion of how things are not going well: “What have you noticed today that is better or different?” (Then respond with “How did you/we get to make that happen?”  (thanks to John Walter, ACSW and Nancy Belvisi, ACSW)

When you have reached your limit at home or at work and you know the next words coming out of your mouth will not be good for any living thing: “Excuse me for a minute, I have to go to the bathroom!” Few will object or follow you (lock the door!) and you’ll have precious time to think!  (thanks to Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs)

The Art of Engagement - Avoid Icebreakers, Thaw instead!

Traditional icebreakers are often childish in nature, involving games and toys. Instead of that consider a way to help your team leave the chaos they came from (home, the last meeting, daycare drop off, etc.) and find an easy way to help them focus. One way is the simple yet also deep question, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 is best…how are you feeling right now for this meeting?” Go around with numbers only. This gives you and the team a way to get the pulse of the group. Once everyone has given their numbers, ask “Does anyone want to add anything?” And then, the secret of a great facilitator is to be quiet, look expectant, and silently start counting to yourself, “one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three…” If you get to eight or nine then move on. Remember your team needs time to respond to your request, time to think, time to decide to speak up. This 1-10 can be used in many ways: “How confident are you that our budget is accurate?” or “How do you feel about the project?” etc. Physicians are taught to take their own blood pressure before taking that of the patient, meaning to walk in the room aware, renewed, open. Facilitative leaders need to do the same.

TIP 7 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

Some common wisdom floating around for the past several years has been the importance of everyone having an “elevator speech” ready for use. Roughly translated, an elevator speech is something you can say about yourself to another person in the space of a ten to twenty floor ride upstairs. Somehow this is supposed to help identify you, your core values, your mission, and your ability to somehow be of value to the other person. To me it comes across as akin to projectile vomiting…and with the same result!

Another common wisdom is the concept of the “value proposition.” This value proposition is defined as “what have you done, or will do, for me lately?” In this proposition we are supposed to again define our value for the customer, client, patient, or our target audience.  Meeting after meeting, numerous conversations are filled with this now common phrase. Somehow, someway, we should be able to define value for the other.

Both of these concepts seem to me to be misguided attempts to do what the client, customer, patient, or target is supposed to do, not what we are to do. When we recognize that it is the other who defines the value, who are the value interpreters, then we clearly see that we are not the value definers.

So, the elevator may be an opportunity to engage, to ask, to be interested…not to ‘project.’

Collaboration, cooperation, and conversation are born out of our interest in the other, not in our self-interested self. It is one thing to be confronted with a billboard or an elevator video advertising on and on about fast food; quite another to be stuck with someone doing the same thing about themselves.

Consider what is at stake. In the matter of a few moments, most of us know whether we want to continue to be in a relationship with a stranger, a friend, or foe. Walk into any meeting and you pretty much know who you are going to sit next to and why. We even continually sit in exactly the same chair for each and every meeting. We do this so we won’t have to move out of our comfort zone, have to engage in talk with someone we may not like, or give up our zone of control. In short, we interpret the value of the other, even of the environment in which we are based, on a few short moments of stimuli.

Wouldn’t you want your customer, your patient, or your boss to be able to make the best possible interpretation about your value as soon as possible?