Metaphors and Stories

• “Think of it as….”

• “Sort of like…”

• “It is as if….”

• “I remember this one time when…”

• “I once noticed…”

• “One of my professors remarked that…”

In your meetings and presentation keep using metaphors and stories to keep the audience in alignment with you, to keep them interested, and to turn your expertise into useful information. One of my attorney clients said with some exasperation, “How many ways can I explain the term ‘negligence’?” To all of us non-lawyers it is worth the effort. Your audience will always be polite and nod in agreement but retain nothing! So, check at the end of any technical explanation with the simple and powerful, “I’m trying to get better at this. Please tell me in your own words what you think negligence is.” You will be amazed how clear you were…or maybe you’ll have some clearing up to do!

Advice From The King

A long-ago voice on radio and television, the preeminent interviewer Larry King, wrote: “Nothing I say today is going to teach me anything. So, if I am going to learn I must do it by listening.” Now the ironic part of this quote is that Larry was married eight times, twice to the same woman. So, this advice worked at work, maybe less at home? A quick check-up, how well do I listen at home and with friends like I listen to my KOL, my colleagues, and my boss? Remind myself: Everyone loves hearing a good listener!

This Thanksgiving..

This Thanksgiving I am most thankful for you who read my posts...a community of learners. You are my teachers. Thank you!

Why Praise Falls Flat—and Encouragement Sticks

Ever try to praise your child or your employee and it seems to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect…amazing…awesome (most overused word of the decade by the way!)…better than…etc.” You may often hear the response, “Oh no I’m not…Amy is much better than I am…kind of you to say, but…” This may be worth considering when you tell me I am smart and I don’t think I am, I mentally cancel you out. When you compare me favorably to others and I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I really cancel you out either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!” Cancelled out again! However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team. Thank you.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so. I saw your special magic happen. Thank you.” This is called the Skill of Encouragement which always begins with “I” and some form of appreciate or like or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. Our experience with the skill however is that it is “sticky”…it persists in their memory.

Cowboys Don’t Wear Helmets!

My cowboy hat has seen a bunch of ranches in the past decade or two. A great vacation is the dude ranch one: you have an 1100-pound animal under you, the wind, the landscape, the wrangler there to guide you, and you have nothing to think about than all of that plus staying on the horse! It’s great fun, horseback riding is an adventure and as one of our ranches puts it “Chess is a game, tennis is a sport, when you enter the world of horses and cowboys adventure comes with fun and risk, uncertain outcomes, and a remarkable experience.” So true! The cowboy hat always put me in the mood to ride. I’ve not been on a horse in two years…I bought a helmet for our upcoming trip. I came to the conclusion that yes, cowboys don’t wear helmets, because they usually don’t fall off! One-weekers do fall off! I haven’t yet though I have heard the condolence for those who have (“You’re not a real cowboy till you’ve been thrown off!”) I’ve also heard what ER docs say, “No helmet, what were you thinking?!”  Wish me luck, we’ll see how it goes!

Using Your Native Language

For this week's Wednesday Rewind, I talk about "Using Your Native Language" to connect with others. What strategies do you use to connect with colleagues, neighbors, friends or when meeting new people?

Teaching at Institute of Pastoral Studies - Loyola University Chicago gives me a worldwide view of life with students from Korea, Poland, China, Spain, South America, India, Pakistan, and even from Atlanta, Georgia! As I teach, I’ve learned to use their native language to teach me more about our English vocabulary. I recently asked the students to put the word “hunch” on the board in their native language and then to define it. None defined it as “hunch” instead painting a video for us of that word in action. I asked a student from Thailand to write “empathy” on the board in Thai…it was a very long word! When asked to define it, she thought for a moment and said, “Sitting on my grandmother’s lap after dinner before the fireplace.” Perfect! With your international colleagues or neighbors try using their language early and often to enhance your English understanding. The powerful world of words, images, metaphors, and inclusion awaits.

Loaded Letters: Which Will You Choose?

How many letters do you have after your name? DO? RN? MD? CPE? MBA? CRNA? MHA? NP? FACHE? Whew, some of you have a lot of them! And they do define a part of us. A member of a meeting mentioned the following about a physician that was not present, “He’s a really good surgeon, but…” Immediately a nurse spoke up with, “If you have to put a ‘but’ after his name…he’s not that good!” Awkward silence began! Do you know some terrific people who have those three silent letters, ‘but’… after their name in your mind? True or not, deserved or not, even perfectly descriptive or not, that ‘but’ after their name not only hurts them, it hurts you: how you interact with them, speak about them, and judge them. The old saying that holding a resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die! Our presence is fully dependent on how we enhance the other’s presence. Consultant Char Wenc advises, “Be present and have presence” and these two words are not always the same. One of my grad students put it a bit differently with the same meaning: “Showing up is not always showing up!” (It sounds better than it reads!) If we add three letters, ‘AND’, after their name then the fullness of the life of the person, despite their flaws, enriches us with full presence. This week listen to how the word ‘but’ is used with people and ideas at meetings and how disconnected it can be. Or if you’re feeling really brave, see if you spot the possible ‘but’ when listening to a spouse or child wanting to go somewhere…now!

Is it Necessary

When we bought our first home, we did all the things first time home buyers do: We bought stuff! Lawn mower, rakes, shovels, air conditioner cover for winter (this was a few years ago!), and a new this and a new that. My next-door neighbor who was much older and wiser when he noticed or I told him of my newest purchase always said the same thing: “Is it, was it, necessary?” This became a kind of motto for me in those early years and saved us a bit of cash. Today I still ask that when I’m preparing for a presentation or a facilitation of a pharma team. How is this plan, this PowerPoint slide, this activity…how are they necessary? Our audiences the ones within our teams and companies or our KOLs are much, much more discriminating these days with the value we present. They are, as Nido Qubein, President of High Point University, the value interpreters. When we focus on us alone, we exclude the ones who will know the real value…the audience. Every one of them is asking, silently of course, “Can you help me solve my problem? Can you improve my condition?”  Consider next time to strip down that PowerPoint deck and make room for what is necessary and for the audience to tell you what is useful.

The Art of an Introduction

How do you think of others?  How do you introduce them? I notice that physicians are known and introduced by their name and their specialty and…that’s it! It is as if they are a “noun” defined by a name and a thing…their specialty. Of course, depending on the specialty this can come with a raft of judgments! Surgeon? We all know what they are like, right? Hospice? They are so nice! But what if we help this definition-by-noun/title with a metaphorical verb/adverb after their name and specialty. “Dr. Hicks is our neurosurgeon and also a Boston marathoner and she is certainly that too in the OR and at the bedside…she never gives up.  Dr. Ana McKee at The Joint Commission holds three C-Suite titles and was once introduced by those titles (her nouns) with the following, “And she has met seven Supreme Court Justices (her husband is a Federal Judge) and you’d never know it unless you ask by the way she treats everyone not as better or worse but as who we are together.” Doesn’t this round out her identity to you a bit better than only her influential status at The Joint Commission? Who do you know at your place…and how do you both think about them and introduce them? Enhance their presence and you will enhance yours as well.

Ready, Set, Go?

As I listen to many sides of our life today at citizens of the world, I hear the perennial question of “What Can I Do”? And more so, “What Can One Person Do?” It makes me reflect on my grandparents and maybe yours too who came across the ocean leaving everything they knew behind and sailing to an uncertain future. Or that one person who is quite famous that you admire. They were also a one person who asked, “What Can I Do” and moved it to “This I Must Do.” How did they have the courage, the insight, the willingness to leave behind their past and sail into the new.

Responding to Social Media Instead of Reacting

I’ve written before about how much we value our opinion and how little others do! Check my website for past posts on this. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, the famous Adlerian psychiatrist from Chicago cautioned us that feelings are the movers for us, they are the gas in our tank. They help us feel and figure out what is going on with us. They just don’t belong in the driver’s seat…that is where good judgment resides. Social media has been blowing up lately, many times (or most times) with people’s opinions. Their reactions. Their gas tanks! You can almost tell who started typing before thinking. I’d like to suggest another approach for your social media, your meetings at work, your conversations over a beer, or even your call home from your hotel: consider ‘How do I want to respond to this person, event, or issue’? This gives you time (and a bit more time) to decide what you will say to the world or to your spouse or partner that you really want public…and how you expect it to better your relationship with the world or those at home. Many years ago, the American Psychiatric Association offered that change really happens when we are listened to, when we are attended to, when we are helped to focus, and when we are encouraged. What strikes me about that formula is that it is other focused, perhaps even dialog focused. In the book “The Advice Trap” by Michael Bungay Stanier he gives away the entire content of the book with the subtitle: “Be Humble, Stay Curious, and Change the Way You Lead Forever.” I’m not sure we need each other’s opinions or advice…maybe we need to discuss the questions and the feelings that are deeper down.

Think Adjective, Noun, Adverb:

Mark LeBlanc, CSP, CPAE recommended many years ago to divide a paper into columns and simply brainstorm many (many!) words randomly. The columns can be labeled anything you want…I use adjective, noun, and adverb but you could use colors, towns, countries, etc. Then start circling combinations of those words. This could be used for a book title, a new concept, a kick start for thinking, a vacation experience you never considered before…and perhaps for using your Thought Leadership skills in your daily life at work and at home also in the quiet of your time with yourself. Try it and then notice what is better or different about your thinking, your creativity, even that next vacation!

First Step Might Be the Hardest

This week's Wednesday Rewind felt fitting after that nail-biting Game 7 over the weekend. Ever found yourself unsure how to jump into a meeting or discussion? What strategies help you navigate those moments?

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Meetings and discussions are prime opportunities to make ourselves heard, but often hesitancy, embarrassment, and simple ignorance prevent us from saying anything. 

I was recently with a group of men who were discussing a baseball game – their vast knowledge of the game was met with equal amounts of enthusiasm! My ‘sports chat’ however is limited to when I watch the Olympics every four years, and the odd demolition derby or two during the summer. I am quite literally clueless with nothing to contribute. Nothing! So, I sat in silence occasionally nodding my head to show some semblance of, well, anything. Everyone could have been speaking Romanian for all I knew! 

Being an extrovert, one can only do this for so long before breaking so I took a different approach. “You mentioned ______, the first baseman. In your opinion what makes him so special?” At that moment I was desperately hoping the guy was the first baseman! All of a sudden, an entirely new conversation began with me there too. The ‘guys’ all had an opinion… all I had to do was ask a few more questions out of real curiosity (and complete ignorance!) to be able to join in. 

My inner expertise is curiosity, not baseball. This same skill allows me to communicate with executives, the homeless, snobs, us commoners, even with those I don’t like a whole lot!  Phew, this time I made it out of a sports discussion with my self-esteem intact…and I even found out what a first baseman is supposed to do!

Is There a Book in You?

I hear all the time about those of us who want to write a book. One of my pharma friends writes two hours per night for pleasure. My sister published 70 books and often told me she wrote daily, “Even if I have nothing to write about.” After 70 books apparently, she had a lot to say! How about you? Happy to speak with you about it, let’s connect. No charge at all for talking about that book that just might be in you!

The Power of a Slower Story

I listened to a speaker the other day who began with a story that was a bit sad, moody, and heartfelt. As he spoke, I felt his reverencing for the story, for the person, for the situation. He went slow, articulating each word, taking a breath here and there in an unrehearsed-like form. His cadence was slow but not distracting. I wondered are their stories we tell when we present or even when we relate to one another that we can slow down so others won’t just hear but will understand.

Do you host a Podcast?

On this week's Wednesday Rewind, we revisit the top of interviews and specifically podcast interviews. Have you experienced this before when listening to a podcast? What is your take?

Some hosts go on about how much they know the person they are about to interview, where they met, where they work, how great they are, etc. Even the hosts with great reputations do this. One recent well-known host took the first 9 minutes talking about the guest instead of talking to and with the guest. Don’t be that guy! If a host does this to you make your first comments about the audience and the topic instead of more chit-chat about your relationship with the host.

Hiring the Right One

A friend of mine lives in the United States but manages 100 employees overseas. She needed to hire a new manager, and I asked what she looked for as she interviewed. “Three things: Candor so they will talk to me. Humility so they will talk with the team. And Technical Ability to get the job done.” She had a wry smile when she also added, “A lot of them have the technical ability.” The implication to me was that the first two are both rare and required…worth searching for, worth waiting for.

Planning Your Flight

While many of us ‘work’ on our flights, computer out, balancing the food, avoiding our seatmate, watching a movie… how about a different plan? Plan your time in terms of outcomes and not tasks or objectives or deadlines. At the end of the flight what are the outcomes that would make you proud of time well used? I’ve been experimenting recently going from a ‘to do’ list to an outcome list.  My ‘to do’ list is the same one on the ground. My outcome list is framed as ‘What will make this flight more?”  And the ‘more’ is about balancing the opportunities that the flight has for me. It has time to speak to the crew. After the meal service I hit the galley and thank them and ask how long they’ve been flying…great conversations ensue. I’m also practicing my paraphrasing which comes in very handy when I’m on the ground with clients. I also take some quiet meditative time, usually on take-off, sometimes I’m not even aware of the take-off itself! How many times on the ground do I take those moments? I’m respectfully aware of my seatmate and test out a conversation during a meal or even on the descent. More interpersonal practice and sometimes a contact worth meeting. Work bits are there too but monitor their outcomes also. Too much work and we are likely to be drained on touchdown. Clients need us to flow with them and their needs and not come in riddled with pace and anxiety.

Fear of Fear

Lech Walesa the former dockworker turned activist and eventually drove the communists out of Poland becoming the President of Poland was interviewed in his 80’s about his imprisonment. “Weren’t you afraid.” Walesa replied, “I am only afraid of two things: my God Almighty…and my wife!” One of my mentors, Dr. Michael Canady, says of the word FEAR…Future Events that Aren’t Real. I think it was Dale Carnegie who said: “Today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday.” Maybe we really do only have to fear and worry about two things!!

The Power of Horizontal Communication

In this week's Wednesday Rewind, I'm revisiting a series I did on Fearless Facilitation. This post comes from the fourth of seven parts.

We value others who can help us. We do not instinctively value those who are smarter, better, especially those who say that they are! We value what we value, not who or what they want us to value. As Nido R. Qubein from High Point University advises that we the audience members, not the presenter, are the value interpreters. 

This may seem like common sense but consider how some experts treat you, your teams or their audiences. Some consider themselves as full vessels, filling up the empty vessels…us! 

This mindset of how we approach others signifies how we regard and value them. This has impact immediately. Have you ever felt talked down to by someone? How quickly did you recognize this was happening? This is called vertical communication with the superior one on the top and the inferior one on the bottom. This was a traditional teaching technique for physicians in residency where they would be grilled by the senior doctor, often then leaving them feeling less than adequate, humiliated, or worse!

But the successful facilitator speaks on a horizontal plane. If I can get the other to articulate what they think, feel and know, then I as the facilitator will be in a better position to teach, discuss, and encourage with mutual respect. To do this however, means to give up the natural urge to be on top. Instead, it means you are willing to listen, to really hear, and perhaps to learn yourself. Fearless facilitators who work on the horizontal plane learn something new every day, even about the area in which they are the expert!

In our corporate meetings the same is true. Facilitate what is privately logical, listen, allow for input, allow for diversity of thinking. This is the gift of facilitation. No motivational speech is really motivational unless it allows me to change my own mind.