Why What and Who

A lot has been said about the “why” these days. Simon Sinek’s famous presentation and book, "Begin with Why", has received many mentions, and rightly so. It has been a great help to many of us and has made me think about the why’s cousins: what and who.

Maybe start with who. Who is your boss, customer, partner, or spouse? Who are they really? As Humphrey Bogart says to Ilsa in Casablanca while in Paris, “Who are you really? And where were you before? What did you do and what did you think?” She coyly demurs, and he concludes with the famous line, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

That’s the movies, but how about you and your boss? Do you know where she came from? Where she really came from? Not just her last company, but her story. Do you know what medical school was like for her? Or what growing up on a farm was like? Or what moment brought her here?

In my experience, regardless of who this person is now before me, a few genuine questions can reveal a great deal, especially if you feel they are distant, not so nice, demanding, etc.

One surgeon said, “Our family is Asian. Success and perfection mean everything to us. I find it hard to lead a team without being like my parents. Excuses never existed in my family.”

Who do you need to know better?

And then comes the what. What is important to them? What does their boss want from them? What pressures are they under? What do I need to know that I don’t know, but should know?

I teach physician leaders what they were not taught in medical school: executive presence, presenting to executives, and leading teams of their former peers.

Gonna

I am in the company of many of my peers who are “Gonna write a book someday when I get a chance.”
Are you ‘gonna’ clean your garage or basement someday when you get a chance?
I was a ‘gonna’ and still am plenty of times.
So, I was giving this some thought and would appreciate your take on it too.

I wonder if ‘gonna’ translates into ‘could’…if I wanted to. In essence an excuse to not try, to possibly fail, to fall and not get up. I can, then, tell myself that I’m OK, perhaps superior, and certainly have all the good motives I know I have.

Like our kids who don’t do their homework: “I could do it, I just don’t want to.” And therefore, like me and a few others we are never put to the test hiding behind our ‘gonna.’

I teach physician leaders what they did not teach in medical school: executive presence, presenting to executives, and leading teams of their former peers.

Your Mysterious Boss

Your mysterious boss.
Distant? Cold? Calculating? Much older? Much younger?
What is going on here?

The only real way to understand this very important person in your work life is to actually engage with them. Most leaders won’t ignore a direct, sincere ask like:
“I’m looking for some mentoring; do you have time on your schedule?”

Go in with an aspiration you’re working toward or a challenge you’re navigating. Then gently explore how they got to where they are, not in an obvious or intrusive way, but in a way that connects to your conversation. There’s always a story inside them. I wonder what it is.

I teach team members how to productively interact with leaders who are significantly older or younger than they are, not the typical ‘generational’ stereotyping method but one built on the skills of successful human relations.

How Long Have You Been Doing This? (Do You Like It?)

In an airport elevator, I asked a pilot my usual travel‑day question: “Headed somewhere glamorous?”
He laughed and said, “Des Moines.”
I asked how long he’d been flying, and then whether he still liked it. He paused.
“I like flying. I don’t like everything that surrounds it. But when I’m in the cockpit, that is still fun.”

I hear the same thing from my physician and nurse clients. They genuinely like their specialty. They like taking care of us. That’s not what burns them out. It’s everything around the work like the pressure, the systems, the noise.

How about you? What surrounds your passion?
Because if we’re not careful, that is what wears us down.

I teach professionals how to minimize the risk of burnout and maximize the rewarding part of their work: doctors, nurses, pharmacists, attorney—professionals promoted to lead teams of their former peers.

Tell Me About Your Name

There are so many wonderful and different names these days. When I come across a name I don’t recognize, I often ask, “Tell me about your name.” What follows is usually a rich discussion of family history, culture, meaning, and symbolism.

Carnegie famously said that the most important word to anyone is their name. And within a name there is often a family elder, respect for an important someone, a mother’s hope, or even a nod to a 70s or 80s television character.

One nurse once said, “My name is Jenny, just like the millions who watched that show back then!” Even so-called “ordinary” names are worth exploring. One “John” told me he had no idea where his name came from, but he said he was going to ask his mother that night.

I teach team members how to productively interact with leaders who are significantly older or younger than they are, not the typical ‘generational’ stereotyping method but one built on the skills of successful human relations.

Do You Smile?

Do you smile? I mean, do you intentionally smile? Not a constant, silly smile, just an outward expression of connection.

Think about your favorite fast-food place. Do you look at the menu first as you order with a common “Gimme a _____,” and then look at the server or cashier? What if, as you walked up, your first intention was eye contact, then a greeting, then the menu…followed again by eye contact and a thank you?

And even more so at work, especially if you work in a busy people, people, people place. Rather than looking down at your phone, what if you decided intentionally to be a bright, connective spot in someone’s day?

After service on a plane, I always intentionally go to the galley and make eye contact with the flight attendant, smile, and engage with pretty much the same words every time: “Thank you for your service today,” followed by, “How long have you been doing this?”

What comes next is the fun and informative part. Every story is different…and few people will initiate or truly listen. It’s memorable for both.

Work in a hospital? Coming to and from your health club? Now, I’m not recommending this everywhere! There are times, such as on a subway or bus, for example, when people prefer an anonymous seat. But in those places where we pass those we know, work near, or order a meal from…look up. Eye contact. Smile. A greeting.

I teach physician leaders what they did not learn in medical school: executive presence, presenting to executives, and leading teams of their former peers.

Show and Tell, Before the Lesson

“Life is the cruelest of teachers: it tests us first and then teaches us the lesson.” The ultimate early school exercise of show and tell! When I first read this, I agreed—but then I had another thought…

“Life is the kindest of teachers…here is the test, now let’s learn…another test is around the corner…and then we will learn some more.”

What if your meetings were like that?

Instead of starting with input, spreadsheets, or documents…what if you began with a demo, a question (not just a hypothetical one), or anything that could replicate show and tell?

Let’s say you are teaching good patient service. Have the participants see it, brainstorm it, or talk in small groups about what good—and not so good—patient service looks like. Let them see it, participate in it, and have time to talk about it. Then comes the training, the education, the skill-building.

If we don’t feel it, it’s likely to pass from one ear to the other. Ditch the PowerPoint lecture and engage the group in the doing first.

The Donkey in the Herd

Donkeys are protectors—loud, unwavering protectors. At the ranch we visit, there’s a small donkey standing among a herd of large horses. Horses can be skittish; donkeys are determined. Any predator would think twice before testing that donkey, the honking voice alone could scare the life out of you!

A doctor friend of mine raises lambs and has four very large dogs living right among the herd. Same idea: not ones to mess with.

So, let me ask you, who on your team is the protector? Who guards your people? Your budget? Who steps up and gets in the face of anyone who thinks they can tinker with your team?

Is it you?

Share below (no names needed!) and tell us who the protector is on your team and what they do.

Do You Have a Trusted Colleague?

Do you have a trusted colleague, someone you can reach out to when you need to think out loud? Not to complain, but to share what’s really going on and get a wise, thoughtful perspective. In this short video, I talk about why having that kind of person in your life matters more than we often realize, and how those conversations can make all the difference on both the good days and the hard ones.

Vulnerability is a Teacher to Us All

Hope may not be a strategy, but it is the dominant reason we all come to our healthcare providers. Yes, we have specific complaints yet lingering underneath is that hope that it can be overcome. We hope the physician has a solution. We hope that the nurse will console us. We hope. Some will call it a prayer. Others may use their breathing techniques. Some will openly ask ‘the question’ on their minds and others quietly wondering if they should risk the answer. When I visit patients at the hospital in a kind of chaplain-like capacity, I find myself being more and more aware of the hope they long for with each person entering the room. I see it in their eyes even if not in their words. Vulnerability is a teacher to us all. Hope is OK. It makes us aware of our need for what others can provide for us in our time of need.

Strengthen Your Career with Effective Presentations

Most professionals can present information. Far fewer can present in a way that truly helps executives make better decisions.

In my article, “Strengthen Your Career with Effective Presentations,” I explore why executive presence matters and how improving the way we communicate, especially at the senior level, can directly influence trust, recognition, and career growth.

Thank you to ASIS International for featuring this piece in their Security Management Magazine. I invite you to read the full article here:

Is coaching right for you—or your clients?

I’m looking forward to presenting at the upcoming NASAP: North American Society of Adlerian Psychology Annual Conference on Friday, May 29th in Minneapolis alongside Pascale Brady for a dynamic session:

Live Coaching: A Demo and an Interview to Help You Determine if Coaching is for YOU!

In this interactive session, we’ll offer a live coaching demonstration followed by an engaging, “Larry King–style” interview that explores:

• What professional coaching really is

• How coaching differs from therapy, mentoring, and consulting

• How Adlerian principles like encouragement, purpose, equality, and social interest come alive in the coaching process

If you’re curious about coaching as a personal or professional pathway, I’d be glad for you to join us.

Don’t Let Someone Hand You Their Bowling Ball

When others come to you for help, be mindful of the invisible 8‑ or 16‑pound bowling ball they may be handing you, asking you to carry and solve their problem.

How do you avoid it?

Use the word “you” when referring to the problem:

• “What do you think you should do about this?”

• “What’s your thinking on how to approach it?”

• “When you leave my office today, what do you think should be your first step?”

Don’t become part of their problem at home or at work. Become part of helping them move toward their solution. You can encourage their effort (what counselors do), ask thoughtful questions (what coaches do), or help them feel heard (what supportive people do).

They have their problems. You have plenty of your own. Don’t let them walk away with one less problem by leaving it in your lap.

Navigating the Shift from Peer to Leader

Leading a team of your former peers requires fewer yeses—and a lot more no’s—than before. A friend who was recently promoted put it perfectly:

“I went from we and us to them and they overnight.”

Yes, a promotion may bring recognition, status, and compensation—but it also brings a different kind of responsibility. As Spider-Man reminds us, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That responsibility often shows up in unexpected ways: how we socialize, who we confide in, what we promise, how freely we offer opinions, and the kind of advice we give.

Once promoted, we are peers no more. And while expectations from those who promoted us are high, they are often exceeded by the expectations of those we now lead.

• What do they want?

• What do they need?

• Who do you need to be for them?

Do you know someone who’s made this transition well? What did they do differently when leading their former peers? Share your experiences—let’s talk about it below.

What do you know that I don’t know, that I should know?

A friend once shared a story about a Chief Medical Officer who made a simple but powerful change.

Every Thursday afternoon, he gathered his nurses and asked one question:
“What do you know that I don’t know, that I should know?”

At first, the nurses were skeptical.
Is this a trick question?
Is it safe to be honest?

But over time, the answers started coming...abundantly.
And the CMO later said he learned more on those Thursday afternoons than in any other meeting he attended.

That question is a powerful reminder for all of us.

When we’re speaking, presenting, or sitting in front of a board, people aren’t looking for rehearsed perfection. They’re looking for your take, your perspective, your insight, what you see that others might miss.

Your point of view is valuable.

If they didn’t believe you had something they didn’t already know, they wouldn’t have asked you to speak.

This short video is a reminder to bring that mindset into every conversation.
Watch and let me know: What do you know that others should know, but maybe haven’t asked you yet?

From Routine to Purpose

Is this truly your routine, or is it rooted in a deeper value? Why do you do what you do each day?

It’s easy to fall into routines on autopilot. Over time, we continue them with little awareness. Instead, we can pause and reconnect with the larger purpose behind them: how it benefits us and others, and why it matters. Bringing our routines back into conscious awareness helps us rediscover their meaning and renew our commitment to them.

Working With a Boss Who’s Not Your Age

It’s becoming increasingly common to have a boss who’s decades older or younger than you. Generational stereotypes aside, that gap can create a sense of separation. This video looks at how to bridge that space—not by trying to change your boss or compare yourself to them, but by using your own intentional interpersonal skills to understand how they think, how they work, and how you can collaborate more effectively. It’s about getting in sync, knowing where to go when you’re stuck, and showing up as a colleague they can count on.

A Better Way to Begin Your Meetings

“One small step…” is the now famous quote from our first time on the moon. It can also be a great way to begin a meeting, especially when times are tense. Here is the quote that works for me: “Since our last meeting what have you noticed that’s been better or different.” Allow some silence and then take each person’s contribution. You can use “What was the small step that got us there?” Open a meeting with “How’s everyone doing?” and you will likely open a hornets’ nest of issues. But ‘better or different’ and recognizing ‘small steps’ of movement will likely put those at the meeting on the path to solutions or at least “We are on track…”

Consult Your Avatar

Some moments in our work lives feel almost effortless. You’re presenting, contributing, leading and something in you clicks. You’re calm. Clear. Effective. It feels like a wiser, more grounded version of you has stepped forward.

In a recent meeting, an executive described this as “consulting her Avatar.”
For me, it’s the inner expert—the part of you that knows what to do when you stop overthinking and let your practiced wisdom lead.

The key is not treating those moments as lucky accidents. They’re signals. They’re patterns. And they can be repeated.

As you watch this short video, consider:

• When has your avatar—your inner expert—shown up strongly?

• What were you doing that allowed it to emerge?

• And how might you call on it in the moments that matter?

Watch the full video and reflect on your own avatar.

Introduce People, Not Just Positions

Go beyond name and noun. When you introduce a colleague, say the name and the role, of course, but add the personal and that humanizes them. This is Sal — he’s part of our IT department — and what I’ve noticed about him with clients (often me!) is that he goes beyond being an IT pro: he’s an educator. He doesn’t just solve my problem; he helps me understand it. He doesn’t just fix the issue, he fixes me!