African Proverb: When you pray, move your feet!
In graduate school I heard a psychiatrist say, “I don’t listen to my client’s words only, I watch their feet.” Actions tell more than our telling.
The voice within is YOUR voice. This is the voice that likely talks to you all day long, “Should I or shouldn’t I? This way or that way? Respond or stay quiet? What if…? And then what…?” My goodness what we say to ourselves!
Consider how much of what we say is a warning, a discouragement, a critique, or a demanding parent to an innocent you. When we teach advanced executive professional speaking, the request each and every time from the class is: “What did this person do well? What is just one thing they could have done better? What is the special expertise that you noticed?” That’s all you need to get better and better with each presentation and come to think of it, with each interaction. No need for an inner judgment, no need for an inner critique, no need for perfection; simply a way to reorient yourself for the next right step.
You may have had a difficult conversation, a difficult meeting, a difficult day…but you can use these three little prompts to guarantee the next right step: “What did I do well? What is just one thing I could have done better? And what is the special expertise within me that I noticed?”
A final thought – in today’s environment it might be helpful to watch or rewatch the movie “Up In The Air” with George Clooney. Certainly, recommended for any HR professional!
A Texas lawmaker recently said of his party’s majority status, “The majority as the right to prevail, the minority the right to be heard.” Aside from politics even our families or our workplaces may find themselves on one side or the other. Prevailing as the boss or parent is pretty easy. It is the listening to the others “so that they feel heard and a part of things” is much, much harder especially for those in power: parent, spouse, boss, winner. When heard we call it collaboration and cooperation. When not heard we call it rebellion, overthrow, temper tantrum. Care for and allow for the feelings of your ‘other’ or they will metastasize and the cancer will grow between you.
Sometimes we get complacent with the clothes in the closet, our everyday reliable outfits. What if we changed things a bit? Here is an idea. Stop in at a variety of shops, the ones you usually go to and the ‘up one level’ ones whose price tag as kept you away, but admiring. Keep your credit cards locked up for these visits. Go to a reliable looking salesperson and say, “Here is what I usually wear to work.” Any thoughts on a refresh? One caution here. Don’t ask your spouse, partner, or coworkers. They don’t deal with clothes day in and day out. Ask a professional. Then after these visits consider your next purchase. Even if it requires a bit of your courage to make the change.
Bill Moyers, Press Secretary and prior was the de facto Chief of Staff to President Lyndon Johnson, during the Viet Nam war reflected after with a powerful quote maybe many of us with a boss can identify with!
“I worked for him despite his faults.
He employed me despite my deficiencies.”
Digging into the vault for a timeless truth about presentations that still rings true today:
I am continually amazed by presentation after presentation where the opening lines are about the presenter and not the audience. Are you guilt of ever starting with any of the following?
“You probably want to know a bit about me…”
“I am blah blah and I studied at blah blah and blah blah blah…”
“Before we get the meat of today I want to thank…”
“Before I get to the report you’ve been waiting for, you have to understand…”
And of course, the infamous, “How’s everyone doing this morning?” (followed by “I can’t hear you!”)
While the audience will be patient with you nonverbally (we’ve been taught to sit and listen politely!) they will also mark you as ordinary, expected, and frankly, wasting their time.
Dale Carnegie’s famous admonition, “Tell them what you are going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you told them” still works today for the soul reason - it is audience focused. Our nervousness, our ego, our desire to please or our wish to look good unfortunately puts the focus on us instead of those who came to hear us. The hard truth is that the audience don’t really care about you. No matter how important you are, the audience has one pivotal question in their minds “Can you help me solve my problem; can you improve my condition.” Start there and you will see and maybe even hear your audience say, “Whew! Yes!”
The TV show “The Pitt” in season one had a quote or a formula for having hard talks…the one depicted was of adult children allowing their parent to die without subjecting the parent to useless but painful medical interventions. It was a simple and powerful formula and I wonder if might at some point come in handy for all of us.
I love you…
Thank you…
I forgive you…
Please forgive me…
As I’m ready to pass from this life to the next, I’m very OK with my loved ones engaging me with this.
When you come across some vital information from your KOL, AdBoards, or Congress meetings it’s natural to feed the information up and across the chain. How about though those side comments your physician or researcher makes almost as throw away thoughts. The ones that often begin with “It would be nice wouldn’t it if we could…” or “I was dreaming of a day when…” or “I had a rep in here the other day who mentioned…” or even “One of my patients had an interesting comment…” These can easily be non-remembered thoughts that never makes it up or across the chain, especially if we are on our own mission to say what we want to say! I’m often reminded of a friend who was highly successful with his mantra, “On the first visit, I know nothing! I let the client tell me. Come to think about it, every visit is a first visit!”
I like hearing accents. I used to ask those I met who had an accent (even New Yorkers!), “Where are you from?” or “Where are you from originally?” Now I ask, “How many languages do you speak?” That gets a better response. My X-ray tech said, “Two! English and Bulgarian.” I asked, “You been there?” She laughed and said, “I was born there!” (she did not add “dumb ass”!) We spoke about the beauty of her homeland and a recommendation to go for a visit. She then asked with a knowing wry smile, “How many languages do you speak?” I responded with a smile, “I’m an American, just one! But I’m also Irish so I am fluent in sarcasm.” A fun short time in X-ray with a possible trip to a new place, maybe!
Many years ago, Nido Qubein President of High Point University taught me the difference between success and significance. Success is certainly a good thing whether in things financial, career, family, or any of the many goals one might accomplish. Nido reminded us, however, that these things are not usually in a eulogy. What we speak of when they pass are how what they did was significant to us, to those around us, to the world. So, if you are ever called upon to give a eulogy to the many at a funeral or a mini-eulogy as you speak to a surviving family member…think about how this person was significant to you, how they made you better, in what ways they infused a quality in your life that made all the difference. Success is certainly good; significance is lots better still.
One of the hallmarks of the way a person ‘sees’ the world…uniquely of course…was developed by Alfred Adler (1870-1937). He called it our Life Style…not the common way of thinking about that term but the way he meant it was how we see life, how we move through life, sometimes without awareness. Ever get to a destination and you can’t remember every turn, or any of them? He summarized this Life Style as the following:
Life is…
People are…
I am…
Therefore, I must…
Some people believe life is dangerous…and for them it is! Imagine their thinking about people and about themselves and what they must do as a result.
Others might believe life is exciting and then you can follow their experience with people and their own self-image.
I took a great course recently “Empowering People in the Workplace” (www.positivediscipline.org) led by Dina Emser.
This course took a slight and important change to the traditional Life Style:
Life is…
People are…
I am….
Therefore, I can…
I was struck by the difference between the words, ‘must’ and ‘can’…are you often stuck with a feeling of what you ‘must’ do, what people are requiring of you, of the forces that force you?
‘Can’ can lead us to hope and beyond…to what we really ‘can’ do.
I continue to notice (and be amazed!) at how much ‘personal branding’ comes across as me, me, and ME! It seems to also creep into our conversations as well. Marketing departments seem to know how to promote themselves with just the right mix of ‘me and you’ as with McDonalds, Endeavor Healthcare (an interesting way they managed the name change with this Chicago organization), and even my local Duck Donuts. I do wonder, however, about us. “Me and you” so often can come across as “me, me, ME” with so little notice of “you” and “us” …and this is no easy task. On our next Facebook post, is the invitation to me or to you (even if it is about me!)? Is my next subject line in an email about what you are concerned about or what I think is important? Even this post?! Yikes, no easy task!
This week’s Wednesday Rewind takes us back to my post on The Secret of a Successful Interview — timeless advice that still holds true today.
Remember your last interview for a job? Despite a really fine resume and plenty (did I say plenty?) of experience, the interviewers seemed difficult and hard to impress. After all, you’ve done a lot! When I prepare physicians for their interviews (some tell me that they have never had to interview for a position in their lives!) I suggest that they speak to their capabilities, not only to their experiences. So, an “experience” answer might sound like this, “Yes, I have worked to construct 12 ambulatory units for my system.” That is nice but interviewers know that their system is different! Internally they are thinking, “Yes, she may have built them there, but we have different issues here.” A better answer would be, “Yes, I have worked to construct 12 ambulatory units for my system…and what I learned when I did that was the executive capability not only of consensus building but of a community feeling among the team to unify our efforts and each persons’ unique capability.” This answer will lead to a deeper question, which will enhance your expertise as being like them, their culture, their unique situation. The inner voice then of the interviewer is, “She has what we need…she could solve our problem.” Never end the answer with what you did; always with what you learned.
Have you ever heard of Andre Rieu? He's a Dutch violinist and conductor who’s been creating magical concert experiences for over 30 years. My wife and I saw him live in Chicago, where he and his orchestra marched in from the back of the theater, instantly transforming the energy in the room.
What struck me most wasn’t just the music; it was how he engaged the audience. He didn’t perform at us; he performed with us. That’s a mindset shift we can all bring to our own presentations, whether we’re on stage, in a meeting, or leading a workshop.
We may not have a full orchestra behind us, but we do have the power to make people feel part of the moment.
🎥 Watch the video and ask yourself: How can I create that kind of connection with my audience?
The May/June issue of the Journal of Healthcare Management has an article titled, “The Impact of Chaplaincy Departments on Hospital Patient Experience Scores.” The findings speak to patient HCAHPS ratings as higher including the more likely to recommend ratings. One notable finding was, in addition to the direct patient experience, chaplaincy also indirectly provided staff helping with their own well-being. Our work at Loyola University of Chicago’s Institute of Pastoral Studies in training chaplains reminds us to keep alert and aware of their patients and also the fellow professionals on our way through the halls. Major airports and the military have chaplains as well. They do their work with intentional presence, eye contact, listening, never giving advice, and thoughtful patient awareness. Though many of us are not professional chaplains, we too can be alert and aware noticing what might be happening for our fellow MSLs, KOLs, and their staff: you can make “chaplain-like” responses too, yes?
When the question is not a question. “How do you feel about the stuff going on in the _________?” This is not a primary question requiring an answer. Instead, how about your response being, “Great question that I am grappling with… how do you feel about it?” More often than not they will begin and conclude some moments or lots of moments later. Don’t take the bait. Listen! Ask good questions! No need for your answer. If you are cornered, especially if it is a hot item or a politically charged issue you might ask yourself if you have a 50/50 chance of surviving the answer. So, what if you said this, “Thanks for asking, I’m not sure yet of my conclusion but I’m finding that there are at least three things roaming around in my brain: the people involved, the process, and what might be the unintended outcomes. How about you?” Questions are not always questions, sometimes they are statements.
Every so often, I like to pull a lesson from the archives that still holds up today. This one continues to resonate because the fundamentals of great communication never change. Consider this your midweek reminder to keep sharpening the basics.
Here are some things that you should never ever (ever!) say or do in your presentation because they will be hated or ignored by most audiences:
1. “You probably want to know a little about ME!” (No, they don’t.)
2. “Before I begin you have to understand that…”(Just begin already!)
3. “How are you all doing?” (Thought to be an involver, often experienced as an embarrassment by both sides.)
4. “Can you hear me OK?” while tapping the microphone. (Audio checks should happen with the sound professional, not the audience.)
5. “Today we are going to….” followed by a list of objectives usually on PowerPoint that everyone can read faster than you can speak. (Next time just get right to #1 without identifying it as such and conclude with “We just finished our first objective for the day.”)
6. “I can’t hear you!” as a way to have the audience repeat the speaker’s key phrase. (Do you want everyone to feel like they are back in second grade!?)
7. “Shhhhhhhh…” attempting to get control back from an audience group exercise. (Try this next time: “If you can hear me, please raise your hand.” As they do others will notice. This usually only needs to be said twice and then a sincere thank you allows you to continue.)
When someone’s in a funk, they don’t need a cheerleader. They need an encourager.
Cheerleaders push positivity. Encouragers reflect strength.
Notice something real. Name it. Remind them who they are.
In this short video, I break down how to shift from “cheering up” to encouraging and why it matters in leadership, coaching, and everyday connection.
We are all different as many of our HR people remind us. The DISC (and the ancient Greeks) tells us there are four personality types. And then there is one assessment touting six, another eight, and yes, the MBTI came up with 16! And no matter how detailed and fancy the assessments are, all trainers and corporate educators seem to end with some sort of “while I don’t expect all of you to remember all we did today, I do suggest that you alert yourself to our differences and appreciate them next time.” This is because they know that retaining all of this is not going to happen. The most we can hope for is that it will expand our appreciation, provide an option or two when things get hot, and might help us finally figure out our boss! As you work with your team and with your KOLs don’t kill yourself to predict or diagnose rather work to connect and engage.
The time honored “Everyone loves hearing a good listener” is a stellar prescription for sales and management, finding (and keeping) a mate or when emotions get hot, and even mastering the job interview. This is not easy even for counselors and psychiatrists who are supposed to be listening divas! Coaches like to use the W.A.I.T. system Why Am I Talking!? Few good friends will tell you this, some bosses will, spouses might, three-year olds will just walk away. You have to rely on your own inner voice saying: “Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up”!