Perfect v Useful

The psychiatrist Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, Alfred Adler’s disciple in America, often spoke of the difference between being 'perfect' and being 'useful'. He advocated in a famous speech that we ought to have “the courage to be imperfect” since we are, in fact, quite an imperfect people. Reflect, for example, on the last time you had to present to a board or a group or your boss. Were you thinking about you and your PowerPoint or were you thinking about the audience? 'Perfect' here reflects on you and your concerns; 'useful' means you are focused on your audience and their concerns. And the audience always knows which is which.

The 4 T's

When I did some post graduate work at Loyola University’s Medical School our professor always put things in four categories that were easy to remember: Trust, Touch, Time, and Talk. These were her components for every encounter, clinical or interpersonal, administrative, or even marriage and family. When Dr. Renshaw died this was part of her legacy. Unfortunately, she did not train an associate to take over her clinic and so all we are left with is this important memory of her words for us. She was very bold and stirred things up when she was practicing, a real powerhouse of boldness and elegant simplicity.

Working Today?

Write down each of the 4 T’s on a note card and then simply today consider each as you encounter your next patient, staff, colleague, and even service person. What is required of you if you remember Dr. Renshaw’s prompts?

Family Time Today?

Which particular “T” is most appropriate for a family member today…not what they have to do for you…but you for them.

On Your Own Today?

Trust yourself just a bit more today than you usually do…and then see what happens.

Success v Significance

What’s in a word? Often a nuance or a deeper meaning or even a refreshing look at things that may help you to see a new path forward. This next series of Tuesday posts is devoted to…the word!

Many years ago, Nido Qubein, President of High Point University taught me the difference between success and significance. Success is certainly a good thing whether in finance, career, family, or any of the many goals one might accomplish. However Nido reminded us that these things are not usually in a eulogy. What we speak of when someone passes is how what they did was significant to us, to those around us, to the world. So if you are ever called upon to give a eulogy, whether at a funeral or a mini-eulogy as you speak to a surviving family member, think about how this person was significant to you, how they made you better, in what ways they infused a quality in your life that made all the difference.

Success is certainly good; but significance is GREAT.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A pioneer in Healthcare data, Dr. Lawrence Weed, died in 2017. He is the one who in the early 1950’s came up with the idea of coordinated medical health records…not just random doctor notes on a chart that the next doctor had to decipher. His system was called POMR (problem oriented medical record) and along with that the now common SOAP (subjective, objective, assessment and plan) method for clinical note taking and communication used universally today. He discovered this not by just thinking about it but by actually going on rounds with residents. Then he boldly decided to do something about it.

Working Today?

Who might need you to go on “rounds” with them today, if only for a few minutes? And do so in order to discover or learn something, not to check up on someone.

Family Time Today?

See tonight through the eyes of a family member, even through the eyes of your dog. What is that like? How different for you? When Dr. Frederick Leboyer wrote “Birth Without Violence”…seeing birth from the baby’s perspective vs. the convenience of the doctor’s perspective he was wildly criticized by his fellow doctors until…guess what? Until the moms and dads read his book! Then things changed! And today we have birthing rooms! His bold vision, once unique and seen as crazy, is commonplace today…because he saw things differently.

On Your Own Today?

Consider writing today…bloggers write at least 1,000 words a day, double that and you’ll be at a million for the year. My sister has written over 75 books; she writes every day as do many successful writers. Then she edits. But without the writing, there is no editing! Blog, journal, reflect or write a thank you note, a handwritten, stamped and mailed one! See what happens.

Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Remember this? Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

James Shatner as Capt. James T. Kirk every beginning of every episode each and every time! He wasn’t the first captain, but he was the one who lasted and whose voice is imprinted in our memory.

Working Today?

What is the memory you would like to imprint at work? One of my colleagues who travels away from work frequently tells her staff, “I’m out to make us all famous!” Another says, “Let’s change somebody’s world today!” still another simply says, “We are so fortunate to be able to enter this patient’s life today…and I’m fortunate to have you.” Can you imagine being on any of their teams? The repeated use is the key…and of course, sincerely so!

Family Time Today?

What’s your family motto? One of my professors had one for and with his family, “Do what love requires.” Actually in a characteristic undemocratic way, he selected the motto without input and used it for all kinds of occasions; garage cleaning, snow shoveling, etc…worked like a charm! It was his favorite until his mother-in-law needed a place to live and he scoured every senior community he could find until one of his kids reminded him of the motto! Welcome to your new home mom!

On Your Own Today?

Do you have a personal motto? Hmmmm…what would it be if you were to create one now? How often do we remind ourselves of it…especially when our decisions become difficult?

Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

Make a difference today!

Years ago, one of the original Saturday Night Live cast members, Nora Dunn, was in my class with the actress Olympia Dukakis and told my acting students, “Your job is not to please the audience, your job is to engage the audience…and in the engagement, that is when they will be pleased.” Today I would like to engage your thoughts and I encourage you to engage with a special other.

Working Today?

Asking questions is the key to engagement. You do not have to be the smartest person in the room, the official leader, or the main presenter: you simply have to use your own curiosity to ask a good question. It is in the considering and in the answering that we engage and even educate ourselves and them.

Family Time Today?

Ever tell your children why you named them the names they have? Who they are named for, what was going through your mind as you named them, what history is involved? And what your name means too. I was part of a group of business executives who were asked this question and the discussion went well beyond the ‘ice breaker’ it was originally intended to accomplish.

On Your Own Today?

Use names today especially with fast food clerks, hotel people, and signing off of a phone call. One of my children who is well into his 30’s always ends our phone talks with either “love you dad” or “good-bye dad”…the ‘dad’ is always a part of the farewell. I’ve been trying this lately with whomever I am on the phone with and it adds a nice personal touch…especially when on the phone with someone I don't know personally such as the bank, airline, or 800 number I’m calling. Make note of the name and then use it.

Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Dr. Frederick Leboyer came up with seeing delivery through a babies experience, not through the eyes and ears and convenience of the doctor or the mom or the nurse: the result was his book “Birth Without Violence” which led to our ‘birthing rooms’ that are now commonplace. He too was wildly criticized by his fellow doctors until…guess what? Until the moms and dads read his book! Then things changed! His bold vision is commonplace now also.

Working Today?

Is some ‘boldness’ needed at work today from you? Even despite any criticism you think you will get? What if you decided to be bolder than usual?

Family Time Today?

Consider rewarding boldness and forthrightness and difference with your children and your spouse today especially if you disagree with them…then watch what happens!

On Your Own Today?

What is that idea that has been noodling around in your brain for so long just wanting to get out in some form?

EMPATHIZE

Empathize! Sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, tender, excited are seven commonly felt feelings. There are of course many other feeling words often nuances of the seven: devastated, scorned, furious, happy, joyous, etc. Lots and lots of nuances! When we listen with good skill-based paraphrasing and at the same time we pick up an emotional charge to the conversation, you are ready to empathize.

“You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” This formula is a way to convey you heard the emotion. Phrasing it as a statement instead of a question can feel risky but the payoff is so much better for the other person. Questions when we paraphrase or empathize confront the speaker with a choice to have to think and respond to our stuff instead of feeling understood about their stuff. It is as if we are on an expressway together; the question is an exit ramp you want to take, not one that the speaker necessarily wants to take. It distracts from their message. They want to talk; don’t make them think too!

So, this week…. “You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” Give it a try and be ready to be wrong or slightly ‘off’ and then do what the pros do…paraphrase again!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Have to make a presentation today? So do I!

Working Today?

Keep your feet shoulder length apart, look at your audience, remember your nervousness is simply energy you can use for self (anxiety) or for the other (usefulness).

Family Time Today?

How will you decide to ‘present yourself’ tonight when you get home? Others are depending on your answer!

On Your Own Today?

Pay attention to how others present themselves to you today…their presence, their language, their attitude, and their demeanor…what other choices do you think they had?

PARAPHRASE!

Paraphrase! This skill can be the most difficult when properly used. Some mirror or parrot repeating exactly what the other said; some wait until the entire story is over before paraphrasing; others choose the famous “uhuh” “oh” or “wow” response or even a few well-timed grunts. Paraphrasing as a skill does none of these. It does engage early and often with the speaker cutting to the core of the message, not to the entire detailed contents of the message. Some see paraphrasing “early and often” as interrupting. Think of it as engaging instead. What works well with this more skilled approach of paraphrasing is the result; the speaker feels understood, the listener communicates understanding. Mirroring and parroting (saying exactly what was said) is often met with a kind of “I just said that!” response from the other. Effective skill-based paraphrasing on the other hand helps the speaker go deeper with more insight and perhaps with more to say than they intended. And make sure you paraphrase without questions. This can be difficult but remember questions are about us, paraphrasing is about them.

So, this week…paraphrase everywhere with everyone (can be dangerous at home by the way in these early stages especially if they read my posts!) and rigorously avoid questions.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A month ago I was on a flight with a retired Basketball pro who put on his headphones and started singing his heart out with all the requisite moves in his seat. Annoyed at first I did the old reliable “Are you kidding me” side glance; secondly the “Look around for support glance” from my fellow seat mates; then thirdly I smiled to myself happy for him being happy. That worked much better.

Working Today?

· Have lunch near or with your most annoying co-worker. Maybe they're not as annoying as you first thought.

Family Time Today?

· Enjoy the annoyances of your dearest ones….just for today!

On Your Own Today?

Many years ago there was a book titled, “I’m OK-You're OK”…a psychologist friend said he wanted to write the book, “I’m not OK and You’re Not OK…but that’s OK!”

ATTEND!

Attend! In the day of the device have you ever been speaking with someone, and as they “listen” they are all the while watching their phone? Or face to face and you are the only one facing a face that is looking everywhere but at you? Or they are behind their desk reviewing emails while you wonder just how much is getting across? (One technique by the way is to stop talking…it will take a few long awkward moments for them to realize, and when they look up you have a few options: “Maybe this isn’t’ a good time.” Or “Better if we talk at another time?”) One of my clients told me that his approach was, “I do better at this when you are looking right at me. OK with you? Or we can do this at another time when you have more time?” (He is a bit direct, but it works for him.) Like intermittent fasting, intermittent silence can have an interesting effect!

Attending is not as easy as it sounds and it is becoming a bit rarer these days in some circles, especially as some of us venture back to F2F. It requires attention and intention in reverse order…intention first. With the skill of self-awareness perhaps even before the other two skills. Attending is not for the multi-tasker: it is a singular grace we give the other as they speak to us. We intend to look like we are listening and then we really do listen with attention.

Away from the politics of things, when I met Bill Clinton in the White House, I was certain that for our brief handshake I was the only person in his world. Then I realized the same thing happened with Mark Huffman at Northwestern in Chicago, Anita Halvorsen, FACHE at ACHE, and John Botsko, Jr. at BrightStar Care. They attended!

So, this week….pay attention to when you are paying attention.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

I met a woman this summer who blogs about blogging…and makes over $1,000,000 doing it! Another specializes in blogging about succulent plants and after her first year was making over $100,000. (She is even considering farming out the cactus part since she wants to specialize!) Yet another makes a healthy living, beyond anything her previous job paid her, by teaching parents how to photograph their children. Who knew!? Consider this for yourself today!

Working Today?

What can you teach TODAY? Who can you teach it to?

Family Time Today?

What is one thing that might be fun to do that will teach too? Do you have little kids? How about cooking a little something after you go shopping for it?

On Your Own Today?

The Jesuits I teach with at Loyola University Chicago are famous for saying “The only way to learn something it to teach it.” Maybe don’t wait to learn it…reverse engineer the process…and teach it first!

The Forth Wall

Actors learn about the “fourth wall” in Acting 101 classes; it is the invisible wall that separates the actor’s world from that of the audience—the imaginary boundary between a fictional work and its receiver. Once the actor speaks directly to the audience through this imaginary wall, he or she is “breaking the fourth wall,” and the boundaries are deconstructed. An example of this occurs in the classic Thornton Wilder play, “Our Town,” in which the narrator steps out to the very edge of the stage. For a few moments, the narrator is not representing a character; rather, the narrator is just another person giving us a quick synopsis. Then backing away, again becomes a character in a fictional reality, and “fourth wall” is imagined again and “Our Town” comes to life.

We as presenters, facilitators, and speakers also set up a “fourth wall” between ourselves and our audience. Once we are up in front, we still set up a boundary between “us” and “them.” The sooner we break the boundary by involving them in some way, the sooner we connect, involve, and engage.

This is why the traditional hour speech is not really so convincing or useful for today’s audiences. Even politicians have begun to adopt the ’town hall’ approach to indicate that they are more accessible to the electorate. Consider as part of your program interviewing someone the audience want to know and do it Larry King style with the audience asking questions too. When the content expert comes to update your team, don’t let them ‘present’ instead just have your own ‘town hall’ so that the question the audience really wants to ask are asked first.

When presenters don’t break the fourth wall, the audience observes the content. You, however, can take a step forward, breaking the fourth wall, so that the audience is focused on applying and connecting with the content.

It is not about your speech…it is about the experience of your time with them.

Make a difference today!

Every time I am on an airplane I wait until the flight attendant has nothing to do and then I wander up to them and simply say, “Thank you for your service today…it’s a pleasure to be on your flight today.” The responses and the stories that happen after are priceless.

Working Today?

Someone once told me that the two words that you can never go wrong on nor say enough are “Thank You.” (Sometimes they are even more precious than hearing our own name!) Of course it has to be genuine, not said too quickly or impatiently, needs some strong eye contact. Who needs your “Thank You” today?

Family Time Today?

With a family member you can say “Thank You” and then add “What I appreciate most about you is….” Then watch what happens next!

On Your Own Today?

I’ve not done this one yet, maybe today (!)…have you thanked yourself and told yourself what you most appreciate about you lately?

To understand a person, you must see with his eyes, hear with his ears, and feel with his heart

Alfred Adler (1870-1937) one of the earliest pioneers of modern psychology wrote: “to understand a person, you must see with his eyes, hear with his ears, and feel with his heart.”

As we “present,” we want the other to have an open mind; we wish to establish credibility with this other person; and we hope to engage them in response—perhaps with a “yes” or perhaps with a question—often with applause! (We just have to be careful that the applause is not our first priority!) In order to enjoy the ambience of a one-to-one conversation, we need to first access the “inner listener” of the other… who is this person?

On the now classic television series “Star Trek,” a science fiction story about travelers in space seeking out new life and exploring where no one has gone before, the explorers were on a planet with a labyrinth of mines. As they explored, the crew and the miners were being harassed by a huge, deadly, and moving stone-like being. This eyeless, marking-free “thing” that looked like a huge boulder was ravaging the miner community. This monster could cut through solid rock at a moment’s notice. Miners were being killed; seemingly nothing could stop the carnage. The monstrous boulder seemed impervious to all weapons.

One of the crewmembers noticed there were also “little” boulders scattered all around the area, and they were moving! Finally, one of the crew, the half-human, half-Vulcan Dr. Spock, decided the huge mass needed to be addressed. He used an ancient Vulcan method, the Vulcan Mind-Meld. In it, he laid his hands on the huge stone, and then with great emotional and physical pain, energy transferred from the living boulder to Dr. Spock’s awareness. Spock understood that this strange, deadly creature had been pregnant! Like all moms, she was concerned for her “little ones” (who were being harvested by the miners!). Once understood, all came to terms. The miners realized she and her little ones could cut more tunnels faster and better than they could; the crew discovered a brand new being; and mom was happy to be understood and had her little ones in tow! Empathy existed even in outer space . . . one-to-one.

The best presenters do the same thing, one hopes with less pain!

Make a difference today!

There's muskrat that lives in our back yard building his/her nest…you can see the mouthful of grass stuffed in all sides…busy, busy, busy.

Are you working today?

- Someone you meet today will be ‘building their nest’ …a new home, a nest egg for the future, a new part of the nest at work and at home. Ask them about it and be as interested as you can be when they tell you about it. Then notice what you notice about them and yourself.

Spending time with family today?

- What part of your home could use some extra ‘mouthfuls of grass’! A touch here and a touch there…nothing major, just a touch.

Or on your own today?

- How is your favorite project going today? Is it giving you some satisfaction, happiness, progress in sight?

Hopefully when you reflect on these questions, they make a little difference to your day in some shape or form!