Paraphrase-Summarize-Empathize

Paraphrase-Summarize-Empathize are the platinum standards for the leader who teaches and facilitates the learning of those who need their problem to get on the right track to a solution.

- When we paraphrase, we are seeking to understand the other.
- When we summarize, we are working with the other to focus more clearly.
- And when we empathize, we are recognizing that even the most technical information has an emotional element to us and to the other.

This next week perhaps be aware of those around you who employ these more important but often neglected skills. How did they do it? What was it like for you when they used these skills with you?

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

This is a photograph of my family at our favorite dude ranch in Tucson, White Stallion Ranch. It inspired today's intentions:

Working Today?

Who needs just a bit more of your time today? Think about them right now and consider how you will be with them just a bit more today. What do they need you to say? How long do they need you to stay?

Family Time Today?

Many years ago there was a book called “The First Four Minutes” the premise of which was that the first four minutes of every encounter is the most important…a time we use to establish relationship, trust, and connection. One expert said with families it is the first eight minutes! So when you come home tonight despite all of those unanswered emails…spend the first eight minutes with everyone in your family telling each one what they meant to you as you thought about them today.

On Your Own Today?

Traveling? Vacationing? Contemplating? Cleaning out the basement today? Well how is what you are doing renewing you? Try coming up with one word that will be your focus as you board an airplane, sit on the couch, sit on a horse (!) or de-clutter. See what meaning that word gives your activity today.

The true meaning of value

Have you ever sat in the audience of a presenter who asked questions, seemingly to help the audience understand? Soon it became clear that what mattered was that the audience was supposed to give only the “right” answers. This form of teaching is common in traditional university classrooms and many professional schools. It encourages conformity, promotes discouragement, and often heightens a fear of embarrassment even among fellow professionals. As the audience offers up ideas, you can spot the presenter using this style because they keep saying, “Not quite . . . no . . . pretty close. I guess no one knows this!” What becomes clear is that value is defined by what the presenter sees as valuable, not the audience’s experience or feedback. I was in a pharmaceutical ad board with a noted content expert. Ad boards are used by the pharma industry to solicit ideas and reactions from physicians who are deemed Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs). The best ad board are lively interchanges. This one was a noted expert for sure. The audience was non-verbally responsive. At one point a physician asked a question. The presenter took a step forward with eye contact and said, “What you meant to ask me was…” From that moment on not one question from highly educated physicians. Everyone mentally (and nonverbally) became a scolded second grader!

Every person in your audience and on your team wants only one thing: to have his or her problem solved. Even the most loving, caring, other- focused person wants exactly the same thing that the most selfish, narcissistic, obnoxious person on your team wants: the problem solved. This is the true meaning of value. We often hear the term “value proposition” in business today as if we know what will fulfill our customers. What we propose to them is to seek their “yes.” What if, however, we had a “value conversation” with them instead. What if we listened? What if we asked? What if we saw value as they saw it: Can you help me?

Think about your next office conversation. Do you (or your colleague) focus on the other person or do you simply engage in a mutual monologue? Listen closely next time. Does your conversational partner talk about you or about him- or herself? How about you? Who is your focus?

Make a difference today!

No matter what you're doing today, there is a way that you can make a difference:

Working Today?
Consider sending a letter (that you personally write) to each of your employees on their employment anniversary or their Birthday noting what you appreciate about them with specifics. One of my physician attendees does this yearly…and reaps the rewards all year long.

Family Time Today?
Another physician does this and then sends the letter home to the employee’s children and spouse. Now that makes for a surprise at dinner!

On Your Own Today?
Write a letter today to those of yours at home or in college and mail it. Then notice….

Ideas for you, as a learner

Meditation, whether religiously inspired or not, almost always begins with an awareness of our breathing. In and out, slower, more consciousness, more settled. When I was first introduced to this by my students, it seemed so novel to me. I was used to diving right in, unaware of my breath, unaware of how I felt at this moment, unaware my eyes were wide open when they needed a bit of eyes shut to then enter the journey of discovery.

Similarly when we teach or lead a program, even when we attend a workshop, self-reflection can be a big help regardless of who the audience is or how skilled the presenter is. Self-reflection can help us locate not only the objectives of the presenter, but the more important the ones of our own making. Why did I sign up for this workshop? What do I really want to leave with that will help my next step? Who is here that I can learn from? And perhaps most importantly (regardless of the talent of the presenter), what am I going to do to make this an important time for me?

Certainly, it is the responsibility and the calling of the presenter to do their very best to teach with engagement regardless of the size of the audience. (Yes, you CAN actively engage with hundreds of people in an audience…if you self-reflect on what they need, not only on what you will say or show on your PowerPoint.) It is also up to the learner to engage as well. Yet, when we are confronted with a nervous instructor and mounds of PowerPoint slides we can tend to wander our mind with judgment, silent advice, even resentment. And that, our own inner experience, can affect our learning just as much as any awful presentation.

So here are a few ideas for when you are in a meeting or lecture hall:

1. Be the first to raise your hand, to make an encouraging comment or with curiosity to ask a question supportive of what you and others may need. Be the first one, right away. I am constantly amazed how smart, educated, important professions fall silent at the exactly the time they need to chime in.

2. Consider what you need from this learning experience and selfishly as well as selflessly go after it. This does not mean you have to challenge the presenter, only put in front of them the challenge that you feel. Tell a short story, preface your question or comment, focus closely so that it pertains not only to you but to those others like you.

3. Accept your very next opportunity to be the presenter. Of course, this can cause some nerves. This will get better with practice. Then remind yourself that you are not nervous…you are excited to present and to engage. As Whitehead advised, so that they know more and can do more.

Make a difference today!

Whether you are working today, with family or on your own, set yourself one of the intentions below and see what impact it makes on you and those around you.

Working Today?

What if you did a job with one of your team or employees today, just for a bit…you could even ask them to teach you their job. Then notice what just changed between you.

Family Time Today?

Cook with your spouse or kids today…no matter how much they may protest! Become the family expert on making smoothies, chopping vegetables, adding the seasoning. Just don't try to become the expert on 'supervising' like I did with Chef Genia at the Kimpton Hotels & Restaurants, Sacramento! Luckily she ended up teaching me about her job!

On Your Own Today?

A favorite memory for me was weekly (sometimes nightly!) making chocolate banana malts with my father in the blender. I’m still not sure if I liked the malt or the time better…maybe both. How about your favorite memory?

What will your presentation do to help the audience take that next right step?

When presenting, why do we overdose on PowerPoint, stand away from the audience, speak quickly, act anxiously, or even read every single word from a written document?

Is it fear born from excessive perfectionism, or an inflated thought that every single slide and word is of vital importance…all the while forgetting that our audience will likely forget much of the detail. What audiences do remember is the experience. They will remember, fondly or not, what that time with you was like. Did you disperse wisdom or data, understanding or slides, expertise or…more data? Audiences come to us in Kindergarten, University, or professional meetings for probably only one thing: they want to emerge better able to solve their problem, to improve their condition, to truly know and to do more.

Our task then is not to build a PowerPoint deck as our security blanket but rather to really think about this audience as different in some way from the last one. Really consider what will help this particular audience, this particular class, this one person. How can your interaction help them to take that next right step?

This next week, as you present in any situation, consider first not the content, but rather the consumer of the content. They have a problem. What will your presentation do to help them take that next right step?

Your job is not to please the audience; your job is to engage the audience

My dental hygienist was telling me about her goal to finish her degree and enter a graduate program. I asked how it was going. “Well, I was going to enroll in one class…but I heard from other students that it was all lecture. All lecture doesn’t work for me.”

Does “all lecture” work for you…as the learner? How many times have all of us sat in a classroom, workshop, even a “lecture hall” (!) only to emerge wondering if we would ever get that hour back again in our life. Yet it continues to be the coin of the realm at professional meetings, classrooms, and even ‘motivational’ programs that we actually pay for!

The American philosopher, Alfred North Whitehead, cautioned that education ought to help us know more and do more… “this intimate union of theory and practice aids both” he concluded. That was years ago and yet for many professionals, the lecture, to know more, overshadows the do more, again and again.

When Nora Dunn of the early Saturday Night Live show attended one of my classes at Columbia College Chicago she advised our acting students, “Your job is not to please the audience; your job is to engage the audience” and then she added that it is in the engagement that we are pleased. Many teaching Kindergarten through University know very well how important it is to stop the lecture only method…our students don’t tolerate it very well…and they tell us so!

But at our professional meetings, how many times do you really get to meet those at your table? Or those at the next table? Or on Zoom how many emails are you able to get through when the lecture begins?

So I invite you to reflect on your experience of learning. Are you like my dental hygienist? Or are you like the tens of thousands this week who will sit and listen and then hear the common statement, “Looks like we don’t have time for Q&A.” Make this a key consideration next time you are the one doing the teaching!

Make a difference today!

My yoga teacher always begins our class by setting an intention for the practice. Inspired, I now set myself an intention at the beginning of every day. What a difference it's made! Ask yourself one of the questions below today and see if it makes a difference to your hour, your morning, your day, your time with patients/students/clients/colleagues/the C-Suite/family, and most importantly yourself.

If you're working today:

I’ve spent some time consulting in a cath lab…they save the sexiest outfits for the consultants! I noticed that when a particular physician used their scrub as a fellow professional, the atmosphere of the patient care changed. The scrub, the nurse, the rad tech, were no longer observers, they were collaborators. Who can you ask for what they notice today as you work with your team? Then notice what is different.

If you're spending time with family today:

Ever take a vacation with your kids to a place where they didn’t want to go? Yikes! What if planning involved them early and often, not just days or weeks before the trip, but an ongoing discussion, researching, collaborating. This even works for a trip to grandma’s…what else is near her home that we have not yet discovered?

If you're on your own today:

Many years ago as the self-help industry of books was just beginning, there was a book called “How To Be Your Own Best Friend”. If you were your best friend, what would your appreciate about yourself?

Today isn’t just the first day of the rest of your life: Today is THE day of your life. You are in my intentions today.

Share with Some Intended Hesitancy

Bob Powers, one of my now deceased professors from the Adler University in Chicago recommended to us aspiring counselors to play the “dumb nut” to get others to think more deeply.

As I reflect on this advice many years later, I notice that when others ask the obvious question it stimulates thinking on both parties. “Can you tell me more about that?” or “I’ve not heard it put that way before, tell me more about it.”

On a Los Angeles bound plane one day a man was telling me about his son who played on an east coast college football team. “My wife and I attend every game so we will be there when he gets hurt!” I asked, “You expect him to get hurt?” He replied, “Football is a very violent sport, Kevin.” I went on to ask what position he played knowing very, very little about football. “Quarterback” he said. Without thinking about my professor’s advice but perhaps following it I asked, “Is that they one who throws the ball?” He looked at me incredulously and said, “You have no idea about the game do you?” My response was “Nope!” He pulled out his iPhone and together for the next hour we watched his son’s game as he taught me more than I ever had known about the sport. It occurred to me later we were not watching a football game…he was showing me baby pictures…his baby all grown up!

Think Adjective, Noun, Adverb

A top tip for thought leadership from Business Speaker Mark LeBlanc, CSP: Divide a piece of paper into columns and simply brainstorm many (many!) words randomly. The columns can be labeled anything you want…I use adjective, noun, and adverb but you could use colors, towns, countries, etc. Then start circling combinations of those words. This could be used for a book title, a new concept, a vacation experience you never considered before…thought leadership doesn't have to be confined to the office! Try it and notice what is better or different about your thinking, your creativity, even that next vacation!

Comment when you see brilliance

My friend Derek Arden Negotiation Expert, AUTHOR, YouTuber, podcaster in the UK has a phrase that he uses on occasion: “That’s quite brilliant, isn’t it!” Whenever he says it, I feel a bit smarter...even when he's saying it about someone else! Perhaps he is on to something by commenting on ‘brilliance’, the illumined light that helps see into the shadows.

Recently I was speaking to a group of physician leaders and I commented on being a “responsive” leader. David Dull came up with a better word, “How about ‘responding’ leader?” His contribution made me think. 'Responsive' describes, whereas 'responding' is an action. Nice! Brilliant, actually! If we look for it perhaps, we too can see it. Quite brilliant, yes?

Collaborate Instead of Author

Although you may be the expert, the teacher, the author, the parent or the partner, work to be collaborative instead of authoritative. Yes, you and I have expertise, we all do at one level or another. Economists, physicians, historians, and philosophers know much more about their field than I will ever know. But so does the window washer at O’Hare Airport as she effortlessly glides the tools of her trade over an expansive window.

When I meet and talk to anyone, I try to ask a question that hits at the heart of the full understanding they have. “What insight from your study of economics (or medicine etc.) excites you the most?” or “What is the secret to getting this window so clean and so fast?” (Apparently wrist action and the secret formula in the bucket!)

Even if I knew the essence of any of these endeavors it is better to allow the other person to be my teacher than for me to “know it all.” And when you or I really are the expert in the room, refuse to act as if you are. Instead combine, collaborate, cooperate, and connect with their expertise. Imagine the result then!

Listen a bit more deeply!

A Catholic bishop friend of mine told me that he was with the Pope Benedict many years ago shortly after he was elected. I asked my friend what he was like. He said: "A few of us were sitting around asking him questions. One of the bishops asked him a question which he answered. Then, Kevin, he leaned forward looking at that same bishop and said, “But bishop I heard another question you didn’t ask me, would you like to ask me that question now?” I can only imagine the bishops looking at one another and saying, “That is so cool!” (Only in Latin!)

What is the question beneath the question that you hear…or want to ask?

Think Beyond the Normal

Think beyond the normal! Nido Qubein, President of High Point University is a master of the language that cuts through complexity to clarity. To help us focus he uses word pairing to teach. The difference between training and education for example. Or the difference between success and significance, fortune or fame. What are two words that have special meaning for you? Surviving or thriving? Work or career? Managing or leading? Self or other? Funeral or celebration of a life well lived?

One of my favorites comes from the famous Chicago psychiatrist, Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs (1897-1972): “I listen to the tongue in the shoe not the tongue in the mouth. Feet only point in one direction; words can go anywhere!”

The best word pairings don't from Nido or Dr. Drekurs or me…but from your own thoughts, which may lead to action. Be a thought leader in your community and encourage others to stop and think in a new way.

Ask extra-ordinary ‘ordinary’ people to be your guest, not just the big kids

Everyone has an expertise; some are not recognized as experts though. Look for interesting people that you are interested in, regardless of their credentials or tenure.

Be spontaneous; no rehearsed questions…never, ever

This allows you to be in conversation mode instead of presentation mode. One of my students recently said this made the biggest difference for her with the experts I invite to my classes at Loyola University of Chicago’s School of Continuing and Professional Studies. By asking personal and professional questions these experts come in with their whole self and not only a piece of their ‘expert-ness’! Keep it human.

The secret sauce!

Give the audience an opportunity at the end to tell the interviewee what they liked, learned, and appreciated about them. I call this the ‘secret sauce’ since it allows the interviewee to understand their impact in a concrete way. If you are the interviewee all you need to say is “thank you!” Always have the audience tell them with you at the end wrapping it up. Even hardnosed experts get very soft hearing their impact in real time.

Give the audience a chance to ask questions

Larry King did this on every show and I’ve often found the audience questions are better! I’ve done this with every interview in every program for the past 30 years and I’m continually impressed by the questions that I had never even thought of. If you are the interviewee, be as honest as you can be. Start by asking their name (this makes it more personal) and then address their question with a ‘thank you’ and their name at the end. This is very useful on radio or live Podcast interviews…personal is always preferred over the anonymous voice.

When you find gold…dig!

Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs advised that a word, a phrase, a pause will often reveal even more below the surface. Ask that next deeper question. If you are the interviewee listen closely to that next question and go as deep as you wish. How would you respond to these?

-          A top administrator says, “I really got this job accidentally”

-          A successful CEO says, “I sleep pretty well except for the times I don’t”

-          A novelist says, “I do love my characters and sometimes to me they are even more real than real ones I meet.”

There’s gold to be found there…so dig!