Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

EMPATHIZE

Empathize! Sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, tender, excited are seven commonly felt feelings. There are of course many other feeling words often nuances of the seven: devastated, scorned, furious, happy, joyous, etc. Lots and lots of nuances! When we listen with good skill-based paraphrasing and at the same time we pick up an emotional charge to the conversation, you are ready to empathize.

“You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” This formula is a way to convey you heard the emotion. Phrasing it as a statement instead of a question can feel risky but the payoff is so much better for the other person. Questions when we paraphrase or empathize confront the speaker with a choice to have to think and respond to our stuff instead of feeling understood about their stuff. It is as if we are on an expressway together; the question is an exit ramp you want to take, not one that the speaker necessarily wants to take. It distracts from their message. They want to talk; don’t make them think too!

So, this week…. “You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” Give it a try and be ready to be wrong or slightly ‘off’ and then do what the pros do…paraphrase again!

PARAPHRASE!

Paraphrase! This skill can be the most difficult when properly used. Some mirror or parrot repeating exactly what the other said; some wait until the entire story is over before paraphrasing; others choose the famous “uhuh” “oh” or “wow” response or even a few well-timed grunts. Paraphrasing as a skill does none of these. It does engage early and often with the speaker cutting to the core of the message, not to the entire detailed contents of the message. Some see paraphrasing “early and often” as interrupting. Think of it as engaging instead. What works well with this more skilled approach of paraphrasing is the result; the speaker feels understood, the listener communicates understanding. Mirroring and parroting (saying exactly what was said) is often met with a kind of “I just said that!” response from the other. Effective skill-based paraphrasing on the other hand helps the speaker go deeper with more insight and perhaps with more to say than they intended. And make sure you paraphrase without questions. This can be difficult but remember questions are about us, paraphrasing is about them.

So, this week…paraphrase everywhere with everyone (can be dangerous at home by the way in these early stages especially if they read my posts!) and rigorously avoid questions.

ATTEND!

Attend! In the day of the device have you ever been speaking with someone, and as they “listen” they are all the while watching their phone? Or face to face and you are the only one facing a face that is looking everywhere but at you? Or they are behind their desk reviewing emails while you wonder just how much is getting across? (One technique by the way is to stop talking…it will take a few long awkward moments for them to realize, and when they look up you have a few options: “Maybe this isn’t’ a good time.” Or “Better if we talk at another time?”) One of my clients told me that his approach was, “I do better at this when you are looking right at me. OK with you? Or we can do this at another time when you have more time?” (He is a bit direct, but it works for him.) Like intermittent fasting, intermittent silence can have an interesting effect!

Attending is not as easy as it sounds and it is becoming a bit rarer these days in some circles, especially as some of us venture back to F2F. It requires attention and intention in reverse order…intention first. With the skill of self-awareness perhaps even before the other two skills. Attending is not for the multi-tasker: it is a singular grace we give the other as they speak to us. We intend to look like we are listening and then we really do listen with attention.

Away from the politics of things, when I met Bill Clinton in the White House, I was certain that for our brief handshake I was the only person in his world. Then I realized the same thing happened with Mark Huffman at Northwestern in Chicago, Anita Halvorsen, FACHE at ACHE, and John Botsko, Jr. at BrightStar Care. They attended!

So, this week….pay attention to when you are paying attention.

The Forth Wall

Actors learn about the “fourth wall” in Acting 101 classes; it is the invisible wall that separates the actor’s world from that of the audience—the imaginary boundary between a fictional work and its receiver. Once the actor speaks directly to the audience through this imaginary wall, he or she is “breaking the fourth wall,” and the boundaries are deconstructed. An example of this occurs in the classic Thornton Wilder play, “Our Town,” in which the narrator steps out to the very edge of the stage. For a few moments, the narrator is not representing a character; rather, the narrator is just another person giving us a quick synopsis. Then backing away, again becomes a character in a fictional reality, and “fourth wall” is imagined again and “Our Town” comes to life.

We as presenters, facilitators, and speakers also set up a “fourth wall” between ourselves and our audience. Once we are up in front, we still set up a boundary between “us” and “them.” The sooner we break the boundary by involving them in some way, the sooner we connect, involve, and engage.

This is why the traditional hour speech is not really so convincing or useful for today’s audiences. Even politicians have begun to adopt the ’town hall’ approach to indicate that they are more accessible to the electorate. Consider as part of your program interviewing someone the audience want to know and do it Larry King style with the audience asking questions too. When the content expert comes to update your team, don’t let them ‘present’ instead just have your own ‘town hall’ so that the question the audience really wants to ask are asked first.

When presenters don’t break the fourth wall, the audience observes the content. You, however, can take a step forward, breaking the fourth wall, so that the audience is focused on applying and connecting with the content.

It is not about your speech…it is about the experience of your time with them.

We're all just thirsty to be heard

“Is it an oasis or a mirage?” is a quote from the movie, The Way Back. Set during World War II, the plot follows the incredible 4,000-mile on foot journey of a few escaped prisoners leaving Siberia, ending up in India. The quote was conflict for them since the ‘oasis’ was going west (or east!) when they needed to continue south. In the end, one brave soul simply started walking and others followed.

Firstly, how do we know? Secondly, how do we REALLY know? For some of us, we want 100% certainty before we take a step, for others 80% is plenty to make a decision with. Still for others, we are very, very happy when someone else makes the decision!  This is the point where courage, bravery as it were, comes in handy. When all eyes are fixed on one thing, what would happen if you moved your eyes to another and openly wondered? “I wonder if….” or “Could it be….” or “I have a hunch I’d like your thoughts on…” or “What would happen if…” The conflicts and arguments are often about one thing with eyes fixed to see what they want to see. The leader in you - indeed, the brave in you - can muster a discussion, a conversation, instead of a heated argument with lasting mini resentments. After all we are not in the desert, just thirsty to be heard.

There aren't two sides to this issue, probably ten!

Nido Qubein, President of High Point University, taught me the value of distinction. He posed a question that asked would we want to be successful or significant, creative or innovative, focus on a ‘to do’ list or a ‘to be’ list, perhaps even understand the difference between training and education. I studied with him for over a decade (and about a decade ago!) and I still remember this pairing of words and concepts to help clarify intention, goals, and a deeper understanding of the human spirit. To enhance the presence you bring to others consider being the pairing person. “Is he angry or fearful?” or “Is she hopeless or discouraged?” or “Is this an angry or a very frustrated person?” The wisdom I learned from Nido was not about binary thinking but about seeing the other side. One of my clients said last week, “There aren’t two sides to this issue, probably ten!” And I remembered another Nido-ism: the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Consider being the word crafter at your meetings, help others count on you to both broaden and focus the discussion.

The secret of a successful interview

Remember your last interview for a job? Despite a really fine resume and plenty (did I say plenty?) of experience, the interviewers seemed difficult and hard to impress. After all, you’ve done a lot!

When I prepare physicians for their interviews (some tell me that they have never had to interview for a position in their lives!) I suggest that they speak to their capabilities, not only to their experiences. So, an “experience” answer might sound like this, “Yes, I have worked to construct 12 ambulatory units for my system.” That is nice but interviewers know that their system is different! Internally they are thinking, “Yes, she may have built them there, but we have different issues here.” A better answer would be, “Yes, I have worked to construct 12 ambulatory units for my system…and what I learned when I did that was the executive capability not only of consensus building but of a community feeling among the team to unify our efforts and each persons’ unique capability.” This answer will lead to a deeper question, which will enhance your expertise as being like them, their culture, their unique situation. The inner voice then of the interviewer is, “She has what we need…she could solve our problem.” Never end the answer with what you did; always with what you learned.

The skill of encouragement

Have you ever tried to praise your child or your employee and it seemed to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect...!” Yet you received the response, “Oh no I’m not. That's kind of you to say, but…”

If you tell me I am smart but I don’t think I am, I will mentally cancel you out. If you compare me favorably to others but I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I REALLY cancel you out, either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!”

However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so.”

This is called the Skill of Encouragement which begins with “I”, then some form of appreciation or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. My experience with the skill however, is that it is “sticky”…it persists in the person's memory.

Have the courage to be imperfect

Ever met an ‘opinionated person’? If I asked you to join me for lunch some day with a colleague of mine with this caveat, “Oh, and just as a heads-up, he is pretty opinionated.” Would your inner response be, “Wow, can’t wait to meet him!” or would your outer response be, “Sounds great but I have another date!”

We all do have opinions and pretty good ones at that! The question is not whether we are right but rather are we being useful. Rudolph Dreikurs, the famous Chicago psychiatrist, advocated having the ‘courage to be imperfect’ as an antidote to our superiority of personal opinion among other things.

One way to enhance your presence at the next meeting, if you can’t help but give your opinion (even when asked), is by first stating a brief (did I say brief?) summary that encompasses the issue using the words of others, especially the words of those 180 degrees different than you. “It seems to me that Dr. Shaw feels the anesthesia group is being systematically excluded from the decisions of the board…and I wonder if this inclusion could begin to be accomplished with an outside facilitator rather than at this meeting right now.” This might be a better response than, “I disagree that we have to do this at this meeting.” Anytime we begin with “I disagree…are you serious…are you kidding me…or even my opinion is…” be very, very careful. Each of those statements activates the amygdala and you will be in for a fight, a flight, or a freeze…not a “We can figure this out together.”

3 loaded letters

How many letters do you have after your name? DO? RN? MD? CPE? MBA? CRNA? MHA? NP? FACHE? Whew, some of you have a lot of them! And they do define a part of us.

A member of a meeting mentioned the following about a physician that was not present, “He’s a really good surgeon, but…” Immediately a nurse spoke up with, “If you have to put a ‘but’ after his name…he’s not that good!” Awkward silence began!

Do you know some terrific people who have those three silent letters, ‘but’… after their name in your mind? True or not, deserved or not, even perfectly descriptive or not, that ‘but’ after their name not only hurts them, it hurts you: how you interact with them, speak about them, and judge them. The old saying that holding a resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die!

Our presence is fully dependent on how we enhance the other’s presence. Consultant Char Wenc advises, “Be present and have presence” and these two words are not always the same. One of my grad students put it a bit differently with the same meaning: “Showing up is not always showing up!” (It sounds better than it reads!) If we add three letters, ‘AND’, after their name then the fullness of the life of the person, despite their flaws, enriches us with full presence.

This week listen to how the word ‘but’ is used with people and ideas at meetings and how disconnective it can be. Or if you’re feeling really brave, see if you spot the possible ‘but’ when listening to a spouse or child wanting to go somewhere…now!

The art of an introduction

How do you think of others?  How do you introduce them?

I notice that physicians are known and introduced by their name and their specialty and…that’s it! It is as if they are a “noun” defined by a name and a thing…their specialty. Of course, depending on the specialty this can come with a raft of judgments! Surgeon? We all know what they are like, right? Hospice? They are so nice! But what if we help this definition-by-noun/title with a metaphorical verb/adverb after their name and specialty. “Dr. Hicks is our neurosurgeon and also a Boston marathoner and she is certainly that too in the OR and at the bedside…she never gives up. 

Dr. Ana McKee at The Joint Commission holds three C-Suite titles and was once introduced by those titles (her nouns) with the following, “And she has met seven Supreme Court Justices (her husband is a Federal Judge) and you’d never know it unless you ask by the way she treats everyone not as better or worse but as who we are together.” Doesn’t this round out her identity to you a bit better than only her influential status at The Joint Commission?

Who do you know at your place…and how do you both think about them and introduce them? Enhance their presence and you will enhance yours as well.