Have you ever tried to praise your child or your employee and it seemed to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect...!” Yet you received the response, “Oh no I’m not. That's kind of you to say, but…”
If you tell me I am smart but I don’t think I am, I will mentally cancel you out. If you compare me favorably to others but I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I REALLY cancel you out, either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!”
However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so.”
This is called the Skill of Encouragement which begins with “I”, then some form of appreciation or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. My experience with the skill however, is that it is “sticky”…it persists in the person's memory.