Lead, don't manage

There is an important difference between ‘managing the talk’ and ‘leading the discussion.’ Managing, to me, seems to be about controlling who says what and when and in effect, corralling all the voices. It does not often lead to a conclusion so…”we better meet again next week!”

Leading the discussion has to do with finding the common element, the issue at hand, the ‘one thing’ that is vital to the effort. While data points are presented and debated, the leader, regardless of their position or status, is the one who can go beneath and beyond the data and relate the ‘story’ that points the way.

2+2 might be 4, or in some cases 22, or in others the entirely wrong equation to be considering. It is the manager who allows the debate to rage (respectfully) among the experts. It is also the manager who suggests the next meeting! It is the leader, however, who tells the story of the equation, has a uniting example, speaks to the overriding issue.

Dr. Frank Dono worked at OhioHealth well into his 80’s as a teacher and physician executive and concluded EVERY meeting with a short, impassioned speech to remind us, “Today we talked about finances, but we are really talking about patients, the quality of their care, the safety we provide, the mercy we show.” EVERY meeting. (I have heard that as he was being wheeled on a gurney during a heart attack, he was calmly instructing the new resident what to do, giving her the confidence to do her best for her teacher! Till the end! Wow!)

Make a difference today!

I met an Army helicopter instructor whose job it was to teach new helicopter pilots how to fly…at night! He began every time with “How do you feel tonight?” He often got enthusiastic responses, excitement, “feeling jazzed,” and the like. To which he would say, “Up there where we are going in the dark of this night there are no marriage problems, no money issues, there is no room for anything except you and me and this machine and the mission…are you ready now?” Soberly he would get direct eye contact with a “Yes, sir.” Focus. Alignment. Ready. As if their lives depended on it!

Working Today?

There is some fun that work will bring you today. Some excitement too. Allow the joy to happen without judgment…savor it. At your work today it is possible that the people, or that one person you truly connect with will be your sole mission, not in the dark but in the light of awareness.

Family Time Today?

Try a family discussion over dinner: “What supersedes any activity or work or routine? Is it family, loyalty, devotion, understanding?”

On Your Own Today?

It might be fun to take your own imaginary helicopter ride…what would you see? Who would you take? How ‘with’ them would you be?

Social Equality

A teaching of Adlerian psychology (Alfred Adler 1870-1937) is that we are ‘social equals’ worthy of respect. This is different of course from being the ‘same.’ Social equality means we are certainly different, but we share a common humanity, dignity, and down not-so-deep we are quite like one another.

One of my graduate students used to come late to class each week, just a few minutes late, but late, nonetheless. I asked him about it and he said, “Oh, Mr. O’Connor, I get stuck talking to a homeless guy down the street.” I said (and now deeply regret) “You talk to homeless people?” He kindly responded, “You know I think you and I are maybe one life event away from the spot he is in.” I then began a journey to look into the eyes of the other, not to their circumstances. Quite similar indeed though quite different too.

Char Wenc had a class game teaching physician leaders for the American Association for Physician Leadership®. She asked them to break up into groups of two randomly and then said to alternate with “I’ll bet we have _____ in common” or “I like ______, how about you?” Telling them to see how many things they had in common. Always at least seven often into the double digits within minutes. We are quite like one another if only we look and ask and listen and respond.

Make a difference today!

Lester Thurow was an economist who took the complex to the masses. After Jimmy Carter did not appoint him as his economic advisor Thurow said, “I decided that if I could not have the king’s ear, I would talk to the public,” …he was the early advocate who warned about the gap between the very rich and the very poor; an unsustainable tension. He too was criticized for being bold and having a bold message 20 years before the debate we now confront.

Working Today?

Notice who is working for you, with you, and alongside of you today and consider what life is like for them. Rich and poor, same and different, soft and hard…who are these people and what is life like for them?

Family Time Today?

Maybe a good time to talk to your children about the topic again without judgment but just awareness…what is life like for this person?

On Your Own Today?

Where have you come from? What was life like for your parents, grandparents, and great grandparents? Who did what that allowed you to be who you are?

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

The father of physician hand washing in the mid-1800’s, Ignaz Semmelweis, was right that doctors should wash their hands before they deliver babies. This even reduced death and infection to less than 1%, and yet he was roundly critiqued by his fellow physicians since he couldn’t say why it worked…later Louis Pasteur had to do that with the discovery of germ theory. But Ignaz was the guy who knew he was right and did it anyway. He boldly moved forward anyway despite the criticism and women and babies lived because of it. Even his wife didn’t agree, and he wound up in what was then called an insane asylum!

Working Today?

What are you noticing that seems a bit out of whack? Even small things can take our notice when we decide to notice. Not to nit-pick, but instead to see what stands in our way, clutters our view, or is just unnecessary. Meetings can fall into this category or even parts of meetings. Stay alert. It is highly unlikely your spouse will commit you to a full-time living arrangement under guard.

Family Time Today?

Here you can have some fun doing things differently. I’m a fan of taking the family to Denny’s for dinner and order dessert first! This your spouse may consider weird till your spouse sees the love and affection your children of any age pour on you!

On Your Own Today?

Take some time to examine the day at the end of the day. The who, what, and why of the day, the good and the bad…now just let it pass by you with as little judgment about yourself as possible.

The Courage to be Happy

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, authors of the book “The Courage to be Happy”, speak of a three-dimensional triangle with words written on each of the three sides. One side says, “poor me” another says, “that bad person” and the final side “what should I do from now on?” As a therapist all one has to do is at every session hand over the triangular object and simply say, “So what are we going to talk about today?” For those of us without a therapist, we get to hand it over to ourselves at every fork in the road. Of course, during our lives we encounter many a bad person and have plenty to complain about that was unfair. We could (and sometimes do) repeatedly speak of each…plenty bad happened and plenty of those bad people too. However, ultimately we need to face that third side…“what should I do from now on?”

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A friend of mine was studying ministry on the West coast early in his career. He was engaged in a required set of courses, Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) which was conducted at the hospital where he was a chaplain in training. CPE is more than your typical course: you are the chaplain on duty, often for 24 hours sleeping at the hospital, if you can. One of the first experiences required of him and his class was that they were to watch an autopsy. CPE wants to get chaplains ready to work with death since this will be a daily part of their job. He told me that he dreaded this experience. He was worried that he would become ill, embarrassed, and wanted very much not to do this!

The physician entered the room, the body was draped with a white cloth, and the students were lined up on the other side of the table. The doctor said: “Today we will perform an autopsy on a body, a body that belongs to a family, a family that is desperate for answers. Our job, our work, is to help them find those answers. These tools and our skills will help us help them. The gift we will give them is the gift of understanding, perhaps a form of closure. Shall we begin?”

My friend said that to his surprise, he leaned forward and watched with rapt attention. The physician had not only helped him understand the procedure; the physician was empathizing with the family.

Working Today?

So what changed? Still an autopsy, still a body, still not pretty! His attitude, his understanding, his ‘why’ changed and that changed everything. At work today, what might need some changing for your way of looking at things? Maybe take a different way to work today, sit in a different place, or talk to a different (or difficult!) person. And consider being empathic.

Family Time Today?

It has been said that people don’t mind change; they mind being changed! The famous psychiatrist, Rudolf Dreikurs, advised that we can never require cooperation; we can only win it. With that in mind, especially in times of conflict with a five year old or your spouse, how can you win their cooperation…instead of trying to win!

On Your Own Today?

Empathy is a psychological skill, a skill we use to deepen relationships. It is also an experience of the spirit. To see and use empathy as a skill only would be as a surgeon uses a scalpel. Just as the surgeon’s skills with the scalpel are important, so are the surgeon’s understanding and sensitivity. She uses the skill for a greater purpose.

Change how you feel by reminding yourself of a word!

Sometimes we are nervous in meetings, when giving a presentation, when our job is on the line, when everyone around us is losing their heads! It can feel as if we are out of control, and we look that way too.

What if, instead of feeling ‘nervous’ you remind yourself that you are ‘excited’ about what is to come? What if, instead of worry, you decide to commit with energy to the message you want to convey? What if, instead of attempting to please or placate to avoid a critical reaction, you garner your confidence and your courage to say what you know you want to say, to ask the question you would like to discuss, to move towards a long-awaited resolution needed between the two of you?

We can change how we feel reminding ourselves of a word!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

One of the two most precious things in our life: time. We will never get even one minute back and we are never quite sure if we even have one more. One of the companies I work with has leadership ‘stand up’ meetings where the assignment is:

- What’s been better or different lately? (This question avoids complaining)
- What are you working on that we need to know about? (This invites interest)
- What help do you need from the rest of us? (This promotes teamwork)

Working Today?

For your next meeting try this strategy…well, maybe for your next 6 meetings (change is hard for people!)

Longest meeting? 29 minutes!
Normal one? 20 minutes!

Try figuring out what isn’t needed in those usual one hour meetings...not necessarily a faster meeting but a better meeting in a shorter time.

Family Time Today?

What question do you usually use to open up a family dinner discussion? Try a different one next time. “What did you do in school today?” is so 50’s! What if you asked “OK folks I’m going to tell you 2 truths and a lie…which are the truths?”

On Your Own Today?

Which ‘lie’ would you have liked to have actually done? What is stopping you from making it a truth?

Perfect v Useful

The psychiatrist Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, Alfred Adler’s disciple in America, often spoke of the difference between being 'perfect' and being 'useful'. He advocated in a famous speech that we ought to have “the courage to be imperfect” since we are, in fact, quite an imperfect people. Reflect, for example, on the last time you had to present to a board or a group or your boss. Were you thinking about you and your PowerPoint or were you thinking about the audience? 'Perfect' here reflects on you and your concerns; 'useful' means you are focused on your audience and their concerns. And the audience always knows which is which.

The 4 T's

When I did some post graduate work at Loyola University’s Medical School our professor always put things in four categories that were easy to remember: Trust, Touch, Time, and Talk. These were her components for every encounter, clinical or interpersonal, administrative, or even marriage and family. When Dr. Renshaw died this was part of her legacy. Unfortunately, she did not train an associate to take over her clinic and so all we are left with is this important memory of her words for us. She was very bold and stirred things up when she was practicing, a real powerhouse of boldness and elegant simplicity.

Working Today?

Write down each of the 4 T’s on a note card and then simply today consider each as you encounter your next patient, staff, colleague, and even service person. What is required of you if you remember Dr. Renshaw’s prompts?

Family Time Today?

Which particular “T” is most appropriate for a family member today…not what they have to do for you…but you for them.

On Your Own Today?

Trust yourself just a bit more today than you usually do…and then see what happens.

Success v Significance

What’s in a word? Often a nuance or a deeper meaning or even a refreshing look at things that may help you to see a new path forward. This next series of Tuesday posts is devoted to…the word!

Many years ago, Nido Qubein, President of High Point University taught me the difference between success and significance. Success is certainly a good thing whether in finance, career, family, or any of the many goals one might accomplish. However Nido reminded us that these things are not usually in a eulogy. What we speak of when someone passes is how what they did was significant to us, to those around us, to the world. So if you are ever called upon to give a eulogy, whether at a funeral or a mini-eulogy as you speak to a surviving family member, think about how this person was significant to you, how they made you better, in what ways they infused a quality in your life that made all the difference.

Success is certainly good; but significance is GREAT.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A pioneer in Healthcare data, Dr. Lawrence Weed, died in 2017. He is the one who in the early 1950’s came up with the idea of coordinated medical health records…not just random doctor notes on a chart that the next doctor had to decipher. His system was called POMR (problem oriented medical record) and along with that the now common SOAP (subjective, objective, assessment and plan) method for clinical note taking and communication used universally today. He discovered this not by just thinking about it but by actually going on rounds with residents. Then he boldly decided to do something about it.

Working Today?

Who might need you to go on “rounds” with them today, if only for a few minutes? And do so in order to discover or learn something, not to check up on someone.

Family Time Today?

See tonight through the eyes of a family member, even through the eyes of your dog. What is that like? How different for you? When Dr. Frederick Leboyer wrote “Birth Without Violence”…seeing birth from the baby’s perspective vs. the convenience of the doctor’s perspective he was wildly criticized by his fellow doctors until…guess what? Until the moms and dads read his book! Then things changed! And today we have birthing rooms! His bold vision, once unique and seen as crazy, is commonplace today…because he saw things differently.

On Your Own Today?

Consider writing today…bloggers write at least 1,000 words a day, double that and you’ll be at a million for the year. My sister has written over 75 books; she writes every day as do many successful writers. Then she edits. But without the writing, there is no editing! Blog, journal, reflect or write a thank you note, a handwritten, stamped and mailed one! See what happens.

Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Remember this? Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

James Shatner as Capt. James T. Kirk every beginning of every episode each and every time! He wasn’t the first captain, but he was the one who lasted and whose voice is imprinted in our memory.

Working Today?

What is the memory you would like to imprint at work? One of my colleagues who travels away from work frequently tells her staff, “I’m out to make us all famous!” Another says, “Let’s change somebody’s world today!” still another simply says, “We are so fortunate to be able to enter this patient’s life today…and I’m fortunate to have you.” Can you imagine being on any of their teams? The repeated use is the key…and of course, sincerely so!

Family Time Today?

What’s your family motto? One of my professors had one for and with his family, “Do what love requires.” Actually in a characteristic undemocratic way, he selected the motto without input and used it for all kinds of occasions; garage cleaning, snow shoveling, etc…worked like a charm! It was his favorite until his mother-in-law needed a place to live and he scoured every senior community he could find until one of his kids reminded him of the motto! Welcome to your new home mom!

On Your Own Today?

Do you have a personal motto? Hmmmm…what would it be if you were to create one now? How often do we remind ourselves of it…especially when our decisions become difficult?

Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

Make a difference today!

Years ago, one of the original Saturday Night Live cast members, Nora Dunn, was in my class with the actress Olympia Dukakis and told my acting students, “Your job is not to please the audience, your job is to engage the audience…and in the engagement, that is when they will be pleased.” Today I would like to engage your thoughts and I encourage you to engage with a special other.

Working Today?

Asking questions is the key to engagement. You do not have to be the smartest person in the room, the official leader, or the main presenter: you simply have to use your own curiosity to ask a good question. It is in the considering and in the answering that we engage and even educate ourselves and them.

Family Time Today?

Ever tell your children why you named them the names they have? Who they are named for, what was going through your mind as you named them, what history is involved? And what your name means too. I was part of a group of business executives who were asked this question and the discussion went well beyond the ‘ice breaker’ it was originally intended to accomplish.

On Your Own Today?

Use names today especially with fast food clerks, hotel people, and signing off of a phone call. One of my children who is well into his 30’s always ends our phone talks with either “love you dad” or “good-bye dad”…the ‘dad’ is always a part of the farewell. I’ve been trying this lately with whomever I am on the phone with and it adds a nice personal touch…especially when on the phone with someone I don't know personally such as the bank, airline, or 800 number I’m calling. Make note of the name and then use it.

Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Dr. Frederick Leboyer came up with seeing delivery through a babies experience, not through the eyes and ears and convenience of the doctor or the mom or the nurse: the result was his book “Birth Without Violence” which led to our ‘birthing rooms’ that are now commonplace. He too was wildly criticized by his fellow doctors until…guess what? Until the moms and dads read his book! Then things changed! His bold vision is commonplace now also.

Working Today?

Is some ‘boldness’ needed at work today from you? Even despite any criticism you think you will get? What if you decided to be bolder than usual?

Family Time Today?

Consider rewarding boldness and forthrightness and difference with your children and your spouse today especially if you disagree with them…then watch what happens!

On Your Own Today?

What is that idea that has been noodling around in your brain for so long just wanting to get out in some form?

EMPATHIZE

Empathize! Sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, tender, excited are seven commonly felt feelings. There are of course many other feeling words often nuances of the seven: devastated, scorned, furious, happy, joyous, etc. Lots and lots of nuances! When we listen with good skill-based paraphrasing and at the same time we pick up an emotional charge to the conversation, you are ready to empathize.

“You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” This formula is a way to convey you heard the emotion. Phrasing it as a statement instead of a question can feel risky but the payoff is so much better for the other person. Questions when we paraphrase or empathize confront the speaker with a choice to have to think and respond to our stuff instead of feeling understood about their stuff. It is as if we are on an expressway together; the question is an exit ramp you want to take, not one that the speaker necessarily wants to take. It distracts from their message. They want to talk; don’t make them think too!

So, this week…. “You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” Give it a try and be ready to be wrong or slightly ‘off’ and then do what the pros do…paraphrase again!