Comment when you see brilliance

My friend Derek Arden Negotiation Expert, AUTHOR, YouTuber, podcaster in the UK has a phrase that he uses on occasion: “That’s quite brilliant, isn’t it!” Whenever he says it, I feel a bit smarter...even when he's saying it about someone else! Perhaps he is on to something by commenting on ‘brilliance’, the illumined light that helps see into the shadows.

Recently I was speaking to a group of physician leaders and I commented on being a “responsive” leader. David Dull came up with a better word, “How about ‘responding’ leader?” His contribution made me think. 'Responsive' describes, whereas 'responding' is an action. Nice! Brilliant, actually! If we look for it perhaps, we too can see it. Quite brilliant, yes?

Collaborate Instead of Author

Although you may be the expert, the teacher, the author, the parent or the partner, work to be collaborative instead of authoritative. Yes, you and I have expertise, we all do at one level or another. Economists, physicians, historians, and philosophers know much more about their field than I will ever know. But so does the window washer at O’Hare Airport as she effortlessly glides the tools of her trade over an expansive window.

When I meet and talk to anyone, I try to ask a question that hits at the heart of the full understanding they have. “What insight from your study of economics (or medicine etc.) excites you the most?” or “What is the secret to getting this window so clean and so fast?” (Apparently wrist action and the secret formula in the bucket!)

Even if I knew the essence of any of these endeavors it is better to allow the other person to be my teacher than for me to “know it all.” And when you or I really are the expert in the room, refuse to act as if you are. Instead combine, collaborate, cooperate, and connect with their expertise. Imagine the result then!

Listen a bit more deeply!

A Catholic bishop friend of mine told me that he was with the Pope Benedict many years ago shortly after he was elected. I asked my friend what he was like. He said: "A few of us were sitting around asking him questions. One of the bishops asked him a question which he answered. Then, Kevin, he leaned forward looking at that same bishop and said, “But bishop I heard another question you didn’t ask me, would you like to ask me that question now?” I can only imagine the bishops looking at one another and saying, “That is so cool!” (Only in Latin!)

What is the question beneath the question that you hear…or want to ask?

Think Beyond the Normal

Think beyond the normal! Nido Qubein, President of High Point University is a master of the language that cuts through complexity to clarity. To help us focus he uses word pairing to teach. The difference between training and education for example. Or the difference between success and significance, fortune or fame. What are two words that have special meaning for you? Surviving or thriving? Work or career? Managing or leading? Self or other? Funeral or celebration of a life well lived?

One of my favorites comes from the famous Chicago psychiatrist, Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs (1897-1972): “I listen to the tongue in the shoe not the tongue in the mouth. Feet only point in one direction; words can go anywhere!”

The best word pairings don't from Nido or Dr. Drekurs or me…but from your own thoughts, which may lead to action. Be a thought leader in your community and encourage others to stop and think in a new way.

Ask extra-ordinary ‘ordinary’ people to be your guest, not just the big kids

Everyone has an expertise; some are not recognized as experts though. Look for interesting people that you are interested in, regardless of their credentials or tenure.

Be spontaneous; no rehearsed questions…never, ever

This allows you to be in conversation mode instead of presentation mode. One of my students recently said this made the biggest difference for her with the experts I invite to my classes at Loyola University of Chicago’s School of Continuing and Professional Studies. By asking personal and professional questions these experts come in with their whole self and not only a piece of their ‘expert-ness’! Keep it human.

The secret sauce!

Give the audience an opportunity at the end to tell the interviewee what they liked, learned, and appreciated about them. I call this the ‘secret sauce’ since it allows the interviewee to understand their impact in a concrete way. If you are the interviewee all you need to say is “thank you!” Always have the audience tell them with you at the end wrapping it up. Even hardnosed experts get very soft hearing their impact in real time.

Give the audience a chance to ask questions

Larry King did this on every show and I’ve often found the audience questions are better! I’ve done this with every interview in every program for the past 30 years and I’m continually impressed by the questions that I had never even thought of. If you are the interviewee, be as honest as you can be. Start by asking their name (this makes it more personal) and then address their question with a ‘thank you’ and their name at the end. This is very useful on radio or live Podcast interviews…personal is always preferred over the anonymous voice.

When you find gold…dig!

Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs advised that a word, a phrase, a pause will often reveal even more below the surface. Ask that next deeper question. If you are the interviewee listen closely to that next question and go as deep as you wish. How would you respond to these?

-          A top administrator says, “I really got this job accidentally”

-          A successful CEO says, “I sleep pretty well except for the times I don’t”

-          A novelist says, “I do love my characters and sometimes to me they are even more real than real ones I meet.”

There’s gold to be found there…so dig!

Be a “dumb nut” …let them be the expert

I try to never assume about jobs, countries, culture, etc. Let the interviewee be the one in the know. If you are the interviewee, be ready to make plain what your country is like, what your job entails, etc. Never assume, even when you are in front of a professional audience that they all understand the same…some are distracted, some wondering when lunch is, and of course many are emailing, or thinking about emailing!

It’s even more fun when you teach the audience something. I was interviewing a professional and the topic of arranged marriages in parts of India came up. I registered some confusion and he said, “Kevin you marry the one you love; we love the one we marry…and you are going to have to do that anyway!” Boom, mic drop moment!

When it gets emotional for the interviewee, go expectantly quiet, and wait

Sometimes an interviewee will choke up discussing their parents, siblings, or an event with deep meaning for them. In this case as the interviewer, just wait. Allow the interviewee to get themselves together…usually only a moment or minute or two. If you are the interviewee, take a deep breath and allow yourself to say what you want. The audience will always, always be on your side. They’ve felt the same way!

Protect your interviewee from the audience member with an attitude

Paraphrasing and an empathic statement can help here to cut the tension. If it is abusive, you as the interviewer need to jump in and respond directly and assertively to the abusive one. Remind them of the purpose of your work today and the way everyone will conduct their work. If you are the interviewee, take a deep breath and paraphrase with some empathy also (this can help defuse and create some connection) and then provide your best answer without the fight and without an attitude. The audience will side with you. One method to diffuse the situation is to ask for the person’s name and then use it in your answer…this creates the human connection versus the hit-and-run experience. Work to understand their deeper question which is often built on fear or hurt.

Do you host a podcast?

Some hosts go on about how much they know the person they are about to interview, where they met, where they work, how great they are, etc. Even the hosts with great reputations do this. One recent well-known host took the first 9 minutes talking about the guest instead of talking to and with the guest. Don’t be that guy! If a host does this to you make your first comments about the audience and the topic instead of more chit-chat about your relationship with the host.

Get right to the good stuff…no need to warm them up

Ask the question your audience is wanting you to get to right away. “Many here wonder if this is a merger or a takeover?” is better than softer questions. Get right to business! If you are the interviewee decide for yourself what you think the audience wants to hear and get it out even if the interviewer is going soft. Address the issue whether it is the elephant in the room or the pesky mosquito in your ear!

Ask one question with one question mark

Even experienced newscasters make the mistake of asking multiple questions, especially on the radio. After their question they continue with “is it about xxx, or is it xxx etc.” Not only does this constrict the interviewee, it can confuse them. Instead ask the question, and then go quiet. It’s their turn, not yours. For example, “What are your thoughts on the situation in the Ukraine?” is a better question than “Do you think we will have to go to war, or engage, or do you think diplomacy will work? I mean is this a Cuban Missile Crisis kind of thing?”  Yikes!! If this happens to you when you are the interviewee you could:

-          Respond by ignoring their prompts (it’s best just not to listen to them)

-          Paraphrase the question again

-          Say “Well actually it is none of those…here is what might be more useful.”

Allow curiosity to be your guide

Don’t feel your questions have to be smart or even informed. Allow your curiosity to be your guide. And know that some audience members are not experts. When someone tells me what they do for a living, I don’t assume that I know. I ask, “If I followed you around all day what would I see you actually doing?” This answer is far more interesting than their title!

Interview the other; don’t interview yourself

Some interviewers go on and on and on about themselves. Nobody cares. Allow your expertise to show through your thoughtful questions. Some interviewees do the same; nobody cares! The interviewer wants to improve their condition; they want YOU to help solve their problem. Your self-bio is the least of what they need. They will patiently wait for the ego to unfold but what they really want is what you’ve got for them, not who you are to yourself.

Walk away Renee

My final tip in this series is something I've learned from experts in negotiation. When it is obviously a bad deal a key technique is to “Walk Away”; it's important that you recognize when it is time to decline, and reassess. This always reminds me of the famous 1968 hit by the Four Tops, ”Walk Away Renee”. Why don't you take a moment to enjoy this masterful group here.

My next series will be on ideas for when you are being interviewed and when you are interviewing. Watch this space!

Write that letter!

It will pay big dividends to write ‘that letter you were always going to write’ to your clients, colleagues, friends, children, spouse or partner. Maybe you could also include a former professor, the physician who encouraged you to follow your specialty, that special person who doesn’t really know they are special. Consider a handwritten letter verses an email. Either is better than not doing it, but the impact of a handwritten one really lasts!

My opinion is...

This may be just me, but I have a visceral negative reaction to self-described “opinionated people.” I really don’t want to know their opinion, especially when it begins with “Well here’s my opinion about that!”  It often feels superior, competitive, and rigid. An alternative might be a question, an affirmation of the other, an encouragement, a discussion. But this is just my opinion!