MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Recently, I was teaching an international class and using a common American expression. I said something to the effect of “I had a monkey on my back” meaning that I was burdened, had an annoyance hounding me, that I was upset. An African in the group looked puzzled by the analogy and I recognized I made the error of assuming that everyone used this expression. We spoke a bit as I explained the meaning. His eyes lit up and then he said, “Oh, your cow fell in the river!” With that common expression from his village, I felt completely understood. Empathy across cultures! Not the skill, but the experience. “Yea, my cow fell in the river!” (I imagine the entire village needing to help with that one!)

Working Today?

How do you recover when your cow gets stuck in the river. Ask for help? Do it yourself? What is your first impulse?

Family Time Today?

You might tell the little ones this story and have them draw it! For the older ones perhaps have everyone recall a time when they felt misunderstood.

On Your Own Today?

There is a Japanese psychologist who has a three-sided triangular piece on his table. One side says, “Poor Me!...the second side says, “Those bad people.” And the third has the quote, “So what am I going to do now?” When his clients come in, he hands them the triangle and says, “So what are we going to talk about today?”

Be a facilitator, not a presenter

“Turn to your neighbor” is an often-used technique presenters rely on for “audience involvement.” Personally, especially today, I think it has passed its prime. Instead, how about, “When I give you the signal, I want you to get up and find two other people you don’t know and form a group of three away from the tables. Ready? Go!” Yes, this chaotic madness is noisy, disorganized for a few moments, but terribly fun.

Next interaction can be “new groups of two” and then “take your group of two and join another group of two to become a group of four” and so on. Get people together to meet, get them away from the tables (I never use any tables…they just get in the way) and let them talk to one another.

Yes, what you have to say is important, but just not that important. Consider being a presenter/facilitator vs. a main presenter. Consider ‘lecturettes’ instead of a 90-mintue talk. Speak for 8-12 minutes then get them talking to one another! They may have initially come to hear you; they will remember having been able to talk and meet one another. Yes your expertise is valuable and so is the experience they had that you allowed.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

I spent a weekend a few years ago at a blogger’s conference in Boise, Idaho. A 28-year-old mom of two made $1M last year blogging…about blogging! Another mom of three is on target to make $200,000 blogging about succulent plants (she is going to spin off cactus since she wants to further specialize…two years ago she didn’t know what succulent meant!); and yet another nets over $85,000 teaching other moms how to take pictures of their children!

The accomplished author Seth Godin was there but the really impressive people were the new bloggers, stars in their eyes not for money but for what Godin called their mission “to amplify and connect” with their audience. Each of them, the successful and the brand new (one that I met said she started 8 weeks ago and already made $500…and she said it as if it were $500,000!) Each of them had an area to teach and every single person I spoke to emphasized trust as the foundation of their success, their blog, and their reason for being. Their job was to engender trust with and for and to their own personal ‘community” of bloggers, succulent-ers, and moms.

Working Today?

How do you “amplify and connect” with others online or in person? How much are you aware that you are doing so, or do you wait for it to come naturally? These bloggers don’t wait.

Family Time Today?

Try picture time as if you were at a studio with a professional and let the kids even the little ones take some too.

On Your Own Today?

Speaking of blogging…one blogger specializes in restoring old trailers…like the kind you travel and live in. She’s been a devoted rehabber since her late teens, is admittedly a bit obsessive (!), and makes money doing this since there are apparently other people who do this too or at least like reading about someone who does. What is one of your quirks? There are more like you out there!?

Asking vs telling

At the American College of Healthcare Executives meeting in Chicago last year, I had great fun teaching presentation skills to graduate students in healthcare. Imagine yourself giving a spontaneous three-minute presentation in front of 300 fellow comrades who were most happy it was you and not them! What would you do?

Well, this time it was a bit different. From three possibilities the ‘selected one’ was able to choose a topic and as they were ready to speak, we asked the audience what they wanted to hear about regarding the topic. "Who else was involved?" "When did it happen?" "What effect did it have on you?" "Can you describe the scene so we can ‘see’ it?" As the audience gave their suggestions, it was fun to see they eyes of the presenter light up with what seemed like, “Oh yes, I can do that, that too, and that too!”

So often we forget to ask the audience thinking, only thinking of what we want to present. Do you have a difficult audience or a ‘Dr. Evil’ in the group? …ask them for sure! When they see that you want to involve them, you will have life-long friends or at least friends for a long as you are speaking!

Even if you have only a few minutes, greet people as they enter and ask a simple question: “What would you most like to learn today?” By golly you could even get them into groups of three immediately and ask the same question! Then ask them not what they said, but what they learned from the other two. My hunch is that whatever you prepared is going to be presented anyway. With their comments lingering in your mind however, you’ll have a friendly audience, an involved audience, and you can even quote them throughout your talk! Always ask even when you ‘think’ you know the answer!

Make a difference today!

One of my physician groups is now beginning procedures with:

On a scale of 1-10 (10 best) how do you feel today and why? (Only say 'why' if you want). The leader goes first and I tell them not be “10” all the time. After the leader has listened to their team's answers, they say something along the lines of “Thank you…I appreciate knowing how you are today because we are here today for Mrs/Mr _____ and I want to make sure that as a team we bring our best selves to them. Knowing how you feel will help us all be aware.”

Working Today?

How do you know how your team is doing…beyond the usual “How are you?” or “Are we good?” or simply not asking at all. When we greet each other, look into the eyes, the “windows of the soul” as Shakespeare put it. When we are emotionally aware of ourselves and of others, without judgment, we are in a better position to know the important self that others bring to work that can help or hinder.

Family Time Today?

This might be fun depending on the age of your children…ask: "what animal you are feeling like today?" and get them to impersonate the animal. What does that tell you about how they are feeling? Brave like a lion? Strong as an ox? Wise like an owl?

On Your Own Today?

And you knew this was coming…1-10 for you? And why? And just for fun, what animal do you feel like? Self-awareness is a very good thing!

Lead, don't manage

There is an important difference between ‘managing the talk’ and ‘leading the discussion.’ Managing, to me, seems to be about controlling who says what and when and in effect, corralling all the voices. It does not often lead to a conclusion so…”we better meet again next week!”

Leading the discussion has to do with finding the common element, the issue at hand, the ‘one thing’ that is vital to the effort. While data points are presented and debated, the leader, regardless of their position or status, is the one who can go beneath and beyond the data and relate the ‘story’ that points the way.

2+2 might be 4, or in some cases 22, or in others the entirely wrong equation to be considering. It is the manager who allows the debate to rage (respectfully) among the experts. It is also the manager who suggests the next meeting! It is the leader, however, who tells the story of the equation, has a uniting example, speaks to the overriding issue.

Dr. Frank Dono worked at OhioHealth well into his 80’s as a teacher and physician executive and concluded EVERY meeting with a short, impassioned speech to remind us, “Today we talked about finances, but we are really talking about patients, the quality of their care, the safety we provide, the mercy we show.” EVERY meeting. (I have heard that as he was being wheeled on a gurney during a heart attack, he was calmly instructing the new resident what to do, giving her the confidence to do her best for her teacher! Till the end! Wow!)

Make a difference today!

I met an Army helicopter instructor whose job it was to teach new helicopter pilots how to fly…at night! He began every time with “How do you feel tonight?” He often got enthusiastic responses, excitement, “feeling jazzed,” and the like. To which he would say, “Up there where we are going in the dark of this night there are no marriage problems, no money issues, there is no room for anything except you and me and this machine and the mission…are you ready now?” Soberly he would get direct eye contact with a “Yes, sir.” Focus. Alignment. Ready. As if their lives depended on it!

Working Today?

There is some fun that work will bring you today. Some excitement too. Allow the joy to happen without judgment…savor it. At your work today it is possible that the people, or that one person you truly connect with will be your sole mission, not in the dark but in the light of awareness.

Family Time Today?

Try a family discussion over dinner: “What supersedes any activity or work or routine? Is it family, loyalty, devotion, understanding?”

On Your Own Today?

It might be fun to take your own imaginary helicopter ride…what would you see? Who would you take? How ‘with’ them would you be?

Social Equality

A teaching of Adlerian psychology (Alfred Adler 1870-1937) is that we are ‘social equals’ worthy of respect. This is different of course from being the ‘same.’ Social equality means we are certainly different, but we share a common humanity, dignity, and down not-so-deep we are quite like one another.

One of my graduate students used to come late to class each week, just a few minutes late, but late, nonetheless. I asked him about it and he said, “Oh, Mr. O’Connor, I get stuck talking to a homeless guy down the street.” I said (and now deeply regret) “You talk to homeless people?” He kindly responded, “You know I think you and I are maybe one life event away from the spot he is in.” I then began a journey to look into the eyes of the other, not to their circumstances. Quite similar indeed though quite different too.

Char Wenc had a class game teaching physician leaders for the American Association for Physician Leadership®. She asked them to break up into groups of two randomly and then said to alternate with “I’ll bet we have _____ in common” or “I like ______, how about you?” Telling them to see how many things they had in common. Always at least seven often into the double digits within minutes. We are quite like one another if only we look and ask and listen and respond.

Make a difference today!

Lester Thurow was an economist who took the complex to the masses. After Jimmy Carter did not appoint him as his economic advisor Thurow said, “I decided that if I could not have the king’s ear, I would talk to the public,” …he was the early advocate who warned about the gap between the very rich and the very poor; an unsustainable tension. He too was criticized for being bold and having a bold message 20 years before the debate we now confront.

Working Today?

Notice who is working for you, with you, and alongside of you today and consider what life is like for them. Rich and poor, same and different, soft and hard…who are these people and what is life like for them?

Family Time Today?

Maybe a good time to talk to your children about the topic again without judgment but just awareness…what is life like for this person?

On Your Own Today?

Where have you come from? What was life like for your parents, grandparents, and great grandparents? Who did what that allowed you to be who you are?

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

The father of physician hand washing in the mid-1800’s, Ignaz Semmelweis, was right that doctors should wash their hands before they deliver babies. This even reduced death and infection to less than 1%, and yet he was roundly critiqued by his fellow physicians since he couldn’t say why it worked…later Louis Pasteur had to do that with the discovery of germ theory. But Ignaz was the guy who knew he was right and did it anyway. He boldly moved forward anyway despite the criticism and women and babies lived because of it. Even his wife didn’t agree, and he wound up in what was then called an insane asylum!

Working Today?

What are you noticing that seems a bit out of whack? Even small things can take our notice when we decide to notice. Not to nit-pick, but instead to see what stands in our way, clutters our view, or is just unnecessary. Meetings can fall into this category or even parts of meetings. Stay alert. It is highly unlikely your spouse will commit you to a full-time living arrangement under guard.

Family Time Today?

Here you can have some fun doing things differently. I’m a fan of taking the family to Denny’s for dinner and order dessert first! This your spouse may consider weird till your spouse sees the love and affection your children of any age pour on you!

On Your Own Today?

Take some time to examine the day at the end of the day. The who, what, and why of the day, the good and the bad…now just let it pass by you with as little judgment about yourself as possible.

The Courage to be Happy

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, authors of the book “The Courage to be Happy”, speak of a three-dimensional triangle with words written on each of the three sides. One side says, “poor me” another says, “that bad person” and the final side “what should I do from now on?” As a therapist all one has to do is at every session hand over the triangular object and simply say, “So what are we going to talk about today?” For those of us without a therapist, we get to hand it over to ourselves at every fork in the road. Of course, during our lives we encounter many a bad person and have plenty to complain about that was unfair. We could (and sometimes do) repeatedly speak of each…plenty bad happened and plenty of those bad people too. However, ultimately we need to face that third side…“what should I do from now on?”

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A friend of mine was studying ministry on the West coast early in his career. He was engaged in a required set of courses, Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) which was conducted at the hospital where he was a chaplain in training. CPE is more than your typical course: you are the chaplain on duty, often for 24 hours sleeping at the hospital, if you can. One of the first experiences required of him and his class was that they were to watch an autopsy. CPE wants to get chaplains ready to work with death since this will be a daily part of their job. He told me that he dreaded this experience. He was worried that he would become ill, embarrassed, and wanted very much not to do this!

The physician entered the room, the body was draped with a white cloth, and the students were lined up on the other side of the table. The doctor said: “Today we will perform an autopsy on a body, a body that belongs to a family, a family that is desperate for answers. Our job, our work, is to help them find those answers. These tools and our skills will help us help them. The gift we will give them is the gift of understanding, perhaps a form of closure. Shall we begin?”

My friend said that to his surprise, he leaned forward and watched with rapt attention. The physician had not only helped him understand the procedure; the physician was empathizing with the family.

Working Today?

So what changed? Still an autopsy, still a body, still not pretty! His attitude, his understanding, his ‘why’ changed and that changed everything. At work today, what might need some changing for your way of looking at things? Maybe take a different way to work today, sit in a different place, or talk to a different (or difficult!) person. And consider being empathic.

Family Time Today?

It has been said that people don’t mind change; they mind being changed! The famous psychiatrist, Rudolf Dreikurs, advised that we can never require cooperation; we can only win it. With that in mind, especially in times of conflict with a five year old or your spouse, how can you win their cooperation…instead of trying to win!

On Your Own Today?

Empathy is a psychological skill, a skill we use to deepen relationships. It is also an experience of the spirit. To see and use empathy as a skill only would be as a surgeon uses a scalpel. Just as the surgeon’s skills with the scalpel are important, so are the surgeon’s understanding and sensitivity. She uses the skill for a greater purpose.

Change how you feel by reminding yourself of a word!

Sometimes we are nervous in meetings, when giving a presentation, when our job is on the line, when everyone around us is losing their heads! It can feel as if we are out of control, and we look that way too.

What if, instead of feeling ‘nervous’ you remind yourself that you are ‘excited’ about what is to come? What if, instead of worry, you decide to commit with energy to the message you want to convey? What if, instead of attempting to please or placate to avoid a critical reaction, you garner your confidence and your courage to say what you know you want to say, to ask the question you would like to discuss, to move towards a long-awaited resolution needed between the two of you?

We can change how we feel reminding ourselves of a word!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

One of the two most precious things in our life: time. We will never get even one minute back and we are never quite sure if we even have one more. One of the companies I work with has leadership ‘stand up’ meetings where the assignment is:

- What’s been better or different lately? (This question avoids complaining)
- What are you working on that we need to know about? (This invites interest)
- What help do you need from the rest of us? (This promotes teamwork)

Working Today?

For your next meeting try this strategy…well, maybe for your next 6 meetings (change is hard for people!)

Longest meeting? 29 minutes!
Normal one? 20 minutes!

Try figuring out what isn’t needed in those usual one hour meetings...not necessarily a faster meeting but a better meeting in a shorter time.

Family Time Today?

What question do you usually use to open up a family dinner discussion? Try a different one next time. “What did you do in school today?” is so 50’s! What if you asked “OK folks I’m going to tell you 2 truths and a lie…which are the truths?”

On Your Own Today?

Which ‘lie’ would you have liked to have actually done? What is stopping you from making it a truth?

Perfect v Useful

The psychiatrist Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, Alfred Adler’s disciple in America, often spoke of the difference between being 'perfect' and being 'useful'. He advocated in a famous speech that we ought to have “the courage to be imperfect” since we are, in fact, quite an imperfect people. Reflect, for example, on the last time you had to present to a board or a group or your boss. Were you thinking about you and your PowerPoint or were you thinking about the audience? 'Perfect' here reflects on you and your concerns; 'useful' means you are focused on your audience and their concerns. And the audience always knows which is which.

The 4 T's

When I did some post graduate work at Loyola University’s Medical School our professor always put things in four categories that were easy to remember: Trust, Touch, Time, and Talk. These were her components for every encounter, clinical or interpersonal, administrative, or even marriage and family. When Dr. Renshaw died this was part of her legacy. Unfortunately, she did not train an associate to take over her clinic and so all we are left with is this important memory of her words for us. She was very bold and stirred things up when she was practicing, a real powerhouse of boldness and elegant simplicity.

Working Today?

Write down each of the 4 T’s on a note card and then simply today consider each as you encounter your next patient, staff, colleague, and even service person. What is required of you if you remember Dr. Renshaw’s prompts?

Family Time Today?

Which particular “T” is most appropriate for a family member today…not what they have to do for you…but you for them.

On Your Own Today?

Trust yourself just a bit more today than you usually do…and then see what happens.

Success v Significance

What’s in a word? Often a nuance or a deeper meaning or even a refreshing look at things that may help you to see a new path forward. This next series of Tuesday posts is devoted to…the word!

Many years ago, Nido Qubein, President of High Point University taught me the difference between success and significance. Success is certainly a good thing whether in finance, career, family, or any of the many goals one might accomplish. However Nido reminded us that these things are not usually in a eulogy. What we speak of when someone passes is how what they did was significant to us, to those around us, to the world. So if you are ever called upon to give a eulogy, whether at a funeral or a mini-eulogy as you speak to a surviving family member, think about how this person was significant to you, how they made you better, in what ways they infused a quality in your life that made all the difference.

Success is certainly good; but significance is GREAT.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

A pioneer in Healthcare data, Dr. Lawrence Weed, died in 2017. He is the one who in the early 1950’s came up with the idea of coordinated medical health records…not just random doctor notes on a chart that the next doctor had to decipher. His system was called POMR (problem oriented medical record) and along with that the now common SOAP (subjective, objective, assessment and plan) method for clinical note taking and communication used universally today. He discovered this not by just thinking about it but by actually going on rounds with residents. Then he boldly decided to do something about it.

Working Today?

Who might need you to go on “rounds” with them today, if only for a few minutes? And do so in order to discover or learn something, not to check up on someone.

Family Time Today?

See tonight through the eyes of a family member, even through the eyes of your dog. What is that like? How different for you? When Dr. Frederick Leboyer wrote “Birth Without Violence”…seeing birth from the baby’s perspective vs. the convenience of the doctor’s perspective he was wildly criticized by his fellow doctors until…guess what? Until the moms and dads read his book! Then things changed! And today we have birthing rooms! His bold vision, once unique and seen as crazy, is commonplace today…because he saw things differently.

On Your Own Today?

Consider writing today…bloggers write at least 1,000 words a day, double that and you’ll be at a million for the year. My sister has written over 75 books; she writes every day as do many successful writers. Then she edits. But without the writing, there is no editing! Blog, journal, reflect or write a thank you note, a handwritten, stamped and mailed one! See what happens.

Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Remember this? Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

James Shatner as Capt. James T. Kirk every beginning of every episode each and every time! He wasn’t the first captain, but he was the one who lasted and whose voice is imprinted in our memory.

Working Today?

What is the memory you would like to imprint at work? One of my colleagues who travels away from work frequently tells her staff, “I’m out to make us all famous!” Another says, “Let’s change somebody’s world today!” still another simply says, “We are so fortunate to be able to enter this patient’s life today…and I’m fortunate to have you.” Can you imagine being on any of their teams? The repeated use is the key…and of course, sincerely so!

Family Time Today?

What’s your family motto? One of my professors had one for and with his family, “Do what love requires.” Actually in a characteristic undemocratic way, he selected the motto without input and used it for all kinds of occasions; garage cleaning, snow shoveling, etc…worked like a charm! It was his favorite until his mother-in-law needed a place to live and he scoured every senior community he could find until one of his kids reminded him of the motto! Welcome to your new home mom!

On Your Own Today?

Do you have a personal motto? Hmmmm…what would it be if you were to create one now? How often do we remind ourselves of it…especially when our decisions become difficult?