First step might be the hardest

Meetings and discussions are prime opportunities to make ourselves heard, but often hesitancy, embarrassment, and simple ignorance prevent us from saying anything.

I was recently with a group of men who were discussing a baseball game – their vast knowledge of the game was met with equal amounts of enthusiasm! My ‘sports chat’ however is limited to when I watch the Olympics every four years, and the odd demolition derby or two during the summer. I am quite literally clueless with nothing to contribute. Nothing! So, I sat in silence occasionally nodding my head to show some semblance of, well, anything. Everyone could have been speaking Romanian for all I knew!

Being an extrovert, one can only do this for so long before breaking so I took a different approach. “You mentioned ______, the first baseman. In your opinion what makes him so special?” At that moment I was desperately hoping the guy was the first baseman! All of a sudden, an entirely new conversation began with me there too. The ‘guys’ all had an opinion… all I had to do was ask a few more questions out of real curiosity (and complete ignorance!) to be able to join in.

My inner expertise is curiosity, not baseball. This same skill allows me to communicate with executives, the homeless, snobs, us commoners, even with those I don’t like a whole lot!  Phew, this time I made it out of a sports discussion with my self-esteem intact…and I even found out what a first baseman is supposed to do!

“I felt heard, thank you.”

This was the response I had from recent interactions with two different people. I didn’t ask for the response and frankly I might have passed it off as a simple ‘thank you’. But the earnestness of their first three words took me by surprise. It made me wonder how often I may have missed this message before. I also wondered how many times I may have missed helping someone to feel heard, with my focus instead working to ‘solve for’ or advise or placate or quiz. Those people may have felt better heard by their dog, cat or budgie! Making someone feel heard doesn’t have to be complex - paraphrasing and empathy are powerful tools for simple communication. When was the last time you said to yourself “I felt heard”, or better yet the last time someone told you “I felt heard, thank you.”?

The Meaning of Democracy

Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”

Montessori Teachers Know Something We Often Forget

Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.

Distribute Responsibility

Rudolf Dreikurs, MD advised, “The only way to teach responsibility is to give it.” I would also add, give it before the person is completely able. Physicians are taught with “See one, Do one, Teach one.” The Jesuits I teach at @Loyola University of Chicago recommend that if you really want to learn something then teach it. If you and I take all of the responsibility as the leader then there is little left for the team, and you will see passivity set it quickly and quite permanently.  If doctors were only taught to “See one, see one, see one” you can only imagine what happens when they actually “Do one”…on us!

Notes, Quotes, and Affirmations

Take notes on what your people say at meetings - the great quotes they spontaneously come up with, affirmations you hear. Then what if you sent a note out within an hour, a short note, that captured the essence of the meeting? Hearing our name out loud is precious and seeing it is special too. Does this memo take time? Yes. And your point is?

Conflict Well

Teach your team how to conflict, how to speak with discomfort, and how to stay in cooperative alliance with one another. In baseball the umpire is the judge deciding right and wrong; the manager roots for one team over the other; the spectators are anticipating action or eating; the players work to win…but the color commentator in the booth simply describes the action. What if, the next time conflict rears its head, you simply describe the action as it is happening verbally, with a flip chart, and/or further discussion in small groups? Always end the meeting, whether in teams or one-on-one, with a genuine thank you for the conflict. “You could have gone quiet, you could have told everyone in the parking lot or break room, or you could have bullied but you stayed and talked it out. Thank you. I know this might not yet be settled but I am confident we are going to figure this out.” When is the last time someone thanked you for having a conflict with them?

Provide Opportunities

Do you always have to run the meeting? What if you didn’t? What if two members of the team did it? One of my clients paired two warring members with a high-profile meeting where they were forced to cooperate. Of course, after a few of those meetings they became fast friends! Yes, they did! You really don’t have to do what they can do. One leader shows up at the beginning of a team meeting with an inquiry about what everyone wants to accomplish, gives some very brief perspective remarks, then leaves! He returns for the final 15 minutes with innocent curiosity and lots of encouragement.

Judge Not…Offer Last

As the leader of the group, the expert, the one with the experience it is quite tempting to weigh in early and often. It saves time, gets right to the point, and solves the problem. Or does it? What if you weighed in last, used some words the others had used, responded to someone who needed some affirmation with a “Tell me more…” and even asked some “I wonder…” questions? Of course, it is easy to judge who did their homework, who is the shining rising star, who is the pleaser, who shirks the spotlight; but what if instead of judging (in your mind or out loud) you simply say, “Isn’t that interesting!”

Resist Sarcasm

From the Greek word literally translated: “To tear the flesh like dogs!” Our inner translation when we are sarcastic: “Funny insightful me!”  The recipient’s inner experience: “Ouch!” This is common banter in our culture, especially among men. Perhaps it is a kind of jousting while ostensibly jesting. But consider what it is like to be the target of the sarcasm. That might not be as welcomed. Equivalent to being in a courtroom: would you rather be the one asking the questions or the one in the witness box having to answer them? We can replace sarcasm with encouragement…or even kindness!

Encourage, encourage, encourage…but rarely praise

Praise is a judgment of another person as if we are giving out Olympic medals. “You are a great student” or “You are the best (of this or that)” There is nothing essentially wrong with praise, other than it is easily dismissed by the other. “I’m not that great!” might be the response. The same if you compliment others on their presentation, hair, clothes, etc. Again, nothing wrong with it but instead try the skill of encouragement: “I noticed how hard you worked on that assignment” or “I felt inspired by the way the team rallied when Shanita was in the hospital.”  Encouragement speaks to effort, movement, strength, and faith in the person. Encouragement then can be used even when failure is right around the corner. Olympic beach volleyball players high five and hug after every play, even the plays that have gone wrong.  “I know this is really difficult for you and I want you to know that based on who I have seen you to be, I have a great deal of faith that you will do your best.” Consider the difference between these two statements after someone gives a great presentation: “Nice job, great speech.” Or “I must tell you how much I liked the way you emphasized the importance of the nurses in collaboration with the physicians in the ICU last week.”

Take Advantage of Unexpected Personal Moments

Our ‘work’ (no doubt replying to emails!) should never take preference over our department visits, our rounding with our physicians and nurses, or even showing up on the midnight shift unexpectedly, but with pizzas in hand…of course! Has a relative of your staff died? Attend the wake. In the hospital, sure you can send flowers, but make the note attached really special…not the words of your administration assistant, but heartfelt words from YOU.

Develop a Flexible Reliable Routine

Phone calls: “Is this a good time for you?”

End of meetings: “Let’s take five minutes to talk about how effective this meeting was and what we can do better next time.”

One-on-one meetings: “I’d like to talk about what we are to accomplish here today and then invite you to tell me what you most want to have happen at the end of this meeting.”

Meetings with specialists: “Today, think of me as your student and you as my professor. I want to learn what I need to know that you already know.” (thanks to Mehmood Khan)

Meetings with students, residents, and observers: “What would you like to learn today?”

Meeting with your boss or your boss’ boss: “How can I help today?”

Meeting someone who is mad at you: “I am so appreciative of you coming today; how can we figure this out together?”

Meeting with your administrative assistants, department heads or nurses on the floor: “What do you know, that I don’t know, that I should know?”

End of meetings: “I’d like to take a moment to remind myself and all of us why we met today (for patients’ safety, for nurse morale, to secure the finances so we can continue our mission, etc.) Thanks to Dr Frank Dono, (RIP) from OhioHealth

When asked if you have a minute: “Yes, I have two but then I have to run off…want to schedule more time for later today?”

When you want to avoid a downer discussion of how things are not going well: “What have you noticed today that is better or different?” (Then respond with “How did you/we get to make that happen?”  (thanks to John Walter, ACSW and Nancy Belvisi, ACSW)

When you have reached your limit at home or at work and you know the next words coming out of your mouth will not be good for any living thing: “Excuse me for a minute, I have to go to the bathroom!” Few will object or follow you (lock the door!) and you’ll have precious time to think!  (thanks to Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs)

The Art of Engagement - Avoid Icebreakers, Thaw instead!

Traditional icebreakers are often childish in nature, involving games and toys. Instead of that consider a way to help your team leave the chaos they came from (home, the last meeting, daycare drop off, etc.) and find an easy way to help them focus. One way is the simple yet also deep question, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 is best…how are you feeling right now for this meeting?” Go around with numbers only. This gives you and the team a way to get the pulse of the group. Once everyone has given their numbers, ask “Does anyone want to add anything?” And then, the secret of a great facilitator is to be quiet, look expectant, and silently start counting to yourself, “one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three…” If you get to eight or nine then move on. Remember your team needs time to respond to your request, time to think, time to decide to speak up. This 1-10 can be used in many ways: “How confident are you that our budget is accurate?” or “How do you feel about the project?” etc. Physicians are taught to take their own blood pressure before taking that of the patient, meaning to walk in the room aware, renewed, open. Facilitative leaders need to do the same.

TIP 7 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

Some common wisdom floating around for the past several years has been the importance of everyone having an “elevator speech” ready for use. Roughly translated, an elevator speech is something you can say about yourself to another person in the space of a ten to twenty floor ride upstairs. Somehow this is supposed to help identify you, your core values, your mission, and your ability to somehow be of value to the other person. To me it comes across as akin to projectile vomiting…and with the same result!

Another common wisdom is the concept of the “value proposition.” This value proposition is defined as “what have you done, or will do, for me lately?” In this proposition we are supposed to again define our value for the customer, client, patient, or our target audience.  Meeting after meeting, numerous conversations are filled with this now common phrase. Somehow, someway, we should be able to define value for the other.

Both of these concepts seem to me to be misguided attempts to do what the client, customer, patient, or target is supposed to do, not what we are to do. When we recognize that it is the other who defines the value, who are the value interpreters, then we clearly see that we are not the value definers.

So, the elevator may be an opportunity to engage, to ask, to be interested…not to ‘project.’

Collaboration, cooperation, and conversation are born out of our interest in the other, not in our self-interested self. It is one thing to be confronted with a billboard or an elevator video advertising on and on about fast food; quite another to be stuck with someone doing the same thing about themselves.

Consider what is at stake. In the matter of a few moments, most of us know whether we want to continue to be in a relationship with a stranger, a friend, or foe. Walk into any meeting and you pretty much know who you are going to sit next to and why. We even continually sit in exactly the same chair for each and every meeting. We do this so we won’t have to move out of our comfort zone, have to engage in talk with someone we may not like, or give up our zone of control. In short, we interpret the value of the other, even of the environment in which we are based, on a few short moments of stimuli.

Wouldn’t you want your customer, your patient, or your boss to be able to make the best possible interpretation about your value as soon as possible?

TIP 6 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

Have you noticed lately that not everyone responds to your emails? Or to your voice mails? Sometimes not even to your visits?! Yet we feel we need the response, the involvement, and the approval of these very people. 

In short, we want to influence them, but they seem impervious to our attentions.

Real influence is not about persuading them to like us. Nor is it about schmoozing or selling. Nor is it about charisma. Instead, we want to be like a GPS for their destination: a reassuring voice that plots not only the final goal but someone who also offers turn-by-turn advice that keeps them on track.

Real influence is therefore about power, and our own attitude about power is essential for our influence to be felt in order to be effective. Sometimes we conceive power to be all about strength, status, and survival of the fittest. In fact, it is not about that at all. Many of our strongest leaders embody what influence and power are really about: access.

Whether we are of high or low status, each one of us decides to pay attention to the other person based on our memory of them, their relevance to us, or their ability to help us move our agenda forward. When you show up in someone else’s mental contact list, your influence comes from the relationship you have developed with them, and in fact, the memories you created in their mind.

A veteran newspaperman in Chicago, who dropped out of school at age 16, shared that his role as a reporter gave him access to the strong and famous, few of whom knew of his lack of academic preparation. Those who did know didn’t really care. They returned his call because of his position, his way, his influence: what he could do for them.

The same is true of us and of our influence. When the other person perceives that we have them in mind, their memory is triggered, and our call is more likely to be returned.

In order to have friends, we must be a good friend. Not just for business but for friendship. One of my colleagues writes handwritten thank you notes, another physician colleague writes letters of encouragement to all staff every St. Valentine’s Day, noting three distinct things that impressed her over the past year, another physician leader does the same but writes it to the employee’s children and spouse and mails it to their home!

Influence is facilitated with the power of the individual, for the individual.

TIP 5 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

We help others the most when our focus is on them, and ironically when we focus clearly on others, this is when we get what we want from our interaction with them. We cannot focus on them in order for us to ‘get’; we only ‘get’ when our focus is on them for them to ‘get’. This is an important distinction—and a distinction that is oh so rarely experienced.

It is easy and natural to only be concerned about ourselves. It is therefore a remarkable event for an audience when our focus is on them exclusively. Can you remember the last time this happened to you at work? Or at home? Or anywhere? Facebook seems very focused on opinions as facts, self (and selfies!) instead of others, and too few questions, inquiries, and curiosities.

In person (and maybe on your Facebook posts) you can focus closely with attentiveness, paraphrasing, questions, and with curious interest. So, the next time you are called upon to facilitate a meeting prepare by thinking not of what you will do or say but on what needs to be talked about among the group. Then help them get there with simple questions, increasing curiosity, small group interaction, full participation, and time.

TIP 4 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

We value others who can help us. We do not instinctively value those who are smarter, better, especially those who say that they are! We value what we value, not who or what they want us to value. As Nido Qubein from High Point University advises: we the audience members, not the presenter, are the value interpreters.

This may seem like common sense but consider how some experts treat you, your teams or their audiences. Some consider themselves as full vessels, filling up the empty vessels…us!
This mindset of how we approach others signifies how we regard and value them. This has impact immediately. Have you ever felt talked down to by someone? How quickly did you recognize this was happening? This is called vertical communication with the superior one on the top and the inferior one on the bottom. This was a traditional teaching technique for physicians in residency where they would be grilled by the senior doctor, often then leaving them feeling less than adequate, humiliated, or worse!

But the successful facilitator speaks on a horizontal plane. If I can get the other to articulate what they think, feel and know, then I as the facilitator will be in a better position to teach, discuss, and encourage with mutual respect. To do this however, means to give up the natural urge to be on top. Instead, it means you are willing to listen, to really hear, and perhaps to learn yourself. Fearless facilitators who work on the horizontal plane learn something new every day, even about the area in which they are the expert!

For example, those resisting the Covid vaccines need to be first listened to, not preached at. Like our children, our spouses, our colleagues we all act in a logical way - a privately logical way as Alfred Adler taught. It may not make sense to everyone else, but it makes sense to me. Given the time and the respect, being listened to can provide an opportunity to consider change.

In our corporate meetings the same is true. Facilitate what is privately logical, listen, allow for input, allow for diversity of thinking. This is the gift of facilitation. No motivational speech is really motivational unless it allows me to change my own mind.

TIP 3 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

Next time you are invited to speak, especially to those in power, take the advice of @Todd Williamson, Vice President, Data Generation & Observational Studies, Bayer HealthCare - ”Don’t!” He cautions this especially with the executive level audience.

Presenting to them requires them to make a decision, a decision you may not have intended or even want. “You were hired to lead, so lead” he says with years of wisdom behind the words.  It reminded me of “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” Consider taking the load off those above by executing it with your team. What’s the worst that could happen?! Todd says, “Lead. That’s what you were hired for.”

But what if you accept the invitation? Rather than tell them only what you think, help them understand what they think. Bring new ideas, and even more importantly, new approaches to the new ideas by helping them discover what is within. This is the gift and the skill of the facilitator whether in house or an outside professional. They know that the secret sauce lies before them within the group itself. While individual leaders may make a decision independently; the best ones come from the group effort of coming together.

TIP 2 FOR BEING A FEARLESS FACILITATOR

I really do wonder if the audience needs or wants another traditional motivational speech, either from a professional or from their boss. My experience with my primary audience (physician leaders and healthcare executives) is that they are looking for the wisdom within the audience, within themselves. I get hired to help draw this out, to provide opportunities for audience members to interact in a substantial way, and to create a safe environment for them to do so. When we facilitate well, it can appear easy. Perhaps like watching a professional golfer take a swing. Is it really that different from my swing? Only in the outcome! What the great facilitators, colleagues and bosses do is use a set of skills allowing them to listen with a third ear, see with a fourth eye, and speak less than everyone else. They know they are not only the beauty of the swing of the club. They produce the outcome. The outcome that comes from within the others.