My eldest sister passed away peacefully Jan 1st after a short and welcomed hospice stay. She was ready. I received the usual heartfelt condolences, a welcomed hug, an “I’m so sorry” and a few “How old was she?” as well as a few stories of a death related to them. A seat mate on the plane said, “Wow that’s old!” Later he sought me out in baggage claim and wished me an “successful funeral!” We both chucked over that one. Everyone did their best.
I’m Irish and so death is not as much a fear for us as a celebration of the life lived …we have a long tradition of Irish wakes…my father often prayed for a ‘Happy Death’…he got one with minstrels playing at his bedside.
After a few responses that I received I thought more about how to handle these sudden and sometimes awkward moments. What do I say? On social media of course a short condolence is a welcomed connection. But what about those times when you are in person or at the wake? What is a useful way to respond to your clients and friends, even to yourself, when the ultimate that we all have in common happens our way.
One response I use and being on the receiving end now I find comforting when time permits is “What do you most remember about her?” or words to that effect. This takes the nervousness out of things for us and begins a memory-making sharing for the one who is hurting. Through our question they get to bring alive the memory and share it. No need then for any awkward or cliche comments…just a moment of intimacy. And perhaps even a “successful funeral”!