Deep down, we are more alike than we might think

A core teaching of Adlerian psychology (from Alfred Adler, 1870-1937) emphasizes that we are all "social equals" and deserve respect. This does not mean we are identical, but rather that despite our differences, we share a common humanity and dignity. Deep down, we are more alike than we might think.

I once had a graduate student who consistently arrived late to class. When I asked him about it, he explained, "Oh, Mr. O'Connor, I get stuck talking to a homeless guy down the street." My immediate response, which I now regret, was, "You talk to homeless people?" His reply has stayed with me: "You know, I think you and I are maybe one life event away from being in his shoes." This made me realize the importance of seeing people for who they are, beyond their circumstances. Indeed, we are all more similar than we imagine.

A colleague, Char Wenc, once led a class for physician leaders where she asked them to pair up and take turns saying, "I'll bet we have ____ in common" or "I like ____, how about you?" Within minutes, most pairs discovered they had at least seven things in common, often more. We can find deep connections if we just take the time to ask, listen, and engage.