Let me share some snippets of my expertise with you. I hope you find them useful and if you would like to chat more, just…
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The Art of Engagement
In your next meeting give people more choice. Lace your language with choice making: ‘Is it possible that…?’ ‘Could it be…?’ ‘I wonder if…?’ instead of making a judgement. Maybe you’ll decide to watch this video to learn more…or you could decide not to!
Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?
One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.
The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”
What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”
So, this week….confront with a strength!
This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.
I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!
So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”
Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.
So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.
Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”
Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.
Rudolf Dreikurs, MD advised, “The only way to teach responsibility is to give it.” I would also add, give it before the person is completely able. Physicians are taught with “See one, Do one, Teach one.” The Jesuits I teach at @Loyola University of Chicago recommend that if you really want to learn something then teach it. If you and I take all of the responsibility as the leader then there is little left for the team, and you will see passivity set it quickly and quite permanently. If doctors were only taught to “See one, see one, see one” you can only imagine what happens when they actually “Do one”…on us!
Take notes on what your people say at meetings - the great quotes they spontaneously come up with, affirmations you hear. Then what if you sent a note out within an hour, a short note, that captured the essence of the meeting? Hearing our name out loud is precious and seeing it is special too. Does this memo take time? Yes. And your point is?
Teach your team how to conflict, how to speak with discomfort, and how to stay in cooperative alliance with one another. In baseball the umpire is the judge deciding right and wrong; the manager roots for one team over the other; the spectators are anticipating action or eating; the players work to win…but the color commentator in the booth simply describes the action. What if, the next time conflict rears its head, you simply describe the action as it is happening verbally, with a flip chart, and/or further discussion in small groups? Always end the meeting, whether in teams or one-on-one, with a genuine thank you for the conflict. “You could have gone quiet, you could have told everyone in the parking lot or break room, or you could have bullied but you stayed and talked it out. Thank you. I know this might not yet be settled but I am confident we are going to figure this out.” When is the last time someone thanked you for having a conflict with them?
Do you always have to run the meeting? What if you didn’t? What if two members of the team did it? One of my clients paired two warring members with a high-profile meeting where they were forced to cooperate. Of course, after a few of those meetings they became fast friends! Yes, they did! You really don’t have to do what they can do. One leader shows up at the beginning of a team meeting with an inquiry about what everyone wants to accomplish, gives some very brief perspective remarks, then leaves! He returns for the final 15 minutes with innocent curiosity and lots of encouragement.
As the leader of the group, the expert, the one with the experience it is quite tempting to weigh in early and often. It saves time, gets right to the point, and solves the problem. Or does it? What if you weighed in last, used some words the others had used, responded to someone who needed some affirmation with a “Tell me more…” and even asked some “I wonder…” questions? Of course, it is easy to judge who did their homework, who is the shining rising star, who is the pleaser, who shirks the spotlight; but what if instead of judging (in your mind or out loud) you simply say, “Isn’t that interesting!”
From the Greek word literally translated: “To tear the flesh like dogs!” Our inner translation when we are sarcastic: “Funny insightful me!” The recipient’s inner experience: “Ouch!” This is common banter in our culture, especially among men. Perhaps it is a kind of jousting while ostensibly jesting. But consider what it is like to be the target of the sarcasm. That might not be as welcomed. Equivalent to being in a courtroom: would you rather be the one asking the questions or the one in the witness box having to answer them? We can replace sarcasm with encouragement…or even kindness!
Praise is a judgment of another person as if we are giving out Olympic medals. “You are a great student” or “You are the best (of this or that)” There is nothing essentially wrong with praise, other than it is easily dismissed by the other. “I’m not that great!” might be the response. The same if you compliment others on their presentation, hair, clothes, etc. Again, nothing wrong with it but instead try the skill of encouragement: “I noticed how hard you worked on that assignment” or “I felt inspired by the way the team rallied when Shanita was in the hospital.” Encouragement speaks to effort, movement, strength, and faith in the person. Encouragement then can be used even when failure is right around the corner. Olympic beach volleyball players high five and hug after every play, even the plays that have gone wrong. “I know this is really difficult for you and I want you to know that based on who I have seen you to be, I have a great deal of faith that you will do your best.” Consider the difference between these two statements after someone gives a great presentation: “Nice job, great speech.” Or “I must tell you how much I liked the way you emphasized the importance of the nurses in collaboration with the physicians in the ICU last week.”
Our ‘work’ (no doubt replying to emails!) should never take preference over our department visits, our rounding with our physicians and nurses, or even showing up on the midnight shift unexpectedly, but with pizzas in hand…of course! Has a relative of your staff died? Attend the wake. In the hospital, sure you can send flowers, but make the note attached really special…not the words of your administration assistant, but heartfelt words from YOU.
Phone calls: “Is this a good time for you?”
End of meetings: “Let’s take five minutes to talk about how effective this meeting was and what we can do better next time.”
One-on-one meetings: “I’d like to talk about what we are to accomplish here today and then invite you to tell me what you most want to have happen at the end of this meeting.”
Meetings with specialists: “Today, think of me as your student and you as my professor. I want to learn what I need to know that you already know.” (thanks to Mehmood Khan)
Meetings with students, residents, and observers: “What would you like to learn today?”
Meeting with your boss or your boss’ boss: “How can I help today?”
Meeting someone who is mad at you: “I am so appreciative of you coming today; how can we figure this out together?”
Meeting with your administrative assistants, department heads or nurses on the floor: “What do you know, that I don’t know, that I should know?”
End of meetings: “I’d like to take a moment to remind myself and all of us why we met today (for patients’ safety, for nurse morale, to secure the finances so we can continue our mission, etc.) Thanks to Dr Frank Dono, (RIP) from OhioHealth
When asked if you have a minute: “Yes, I have two but then I have to run off…want to schedule more time for later today?”
When you want to avoid a downer discussion of how things are not going well: “What have you noticed today that is better or different?” (Then respond with “How did you/we get to make that happen?” (thanks to John Walter, ACSW and Nancy Belvisi, ACSW)
When you have reached your limit at home or at work and you know the next words coming out of your mouth will not be good for any living thing: “Excuse me for a minute, I have to go to the bathroom!” Few will object or follow you (lock the door!) and you’ll have precious time to think! (thanks to Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs)
Traditional icebreakers are often childish in nature, involving games and toys. Instead of that consider a way to help your team leave the chaos they came from (home, the last meeting, daycare drop off, etc.) and find an easy way to help them focus. One way is the simple yet also deep question, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 is best…how are you feeling right now for this meeting?” Go around with numbers only. This gives you and the team a way to get the pulse of the group. Once everyone has given their numbers, ask “Does anyone want to add anything?” And then, the secret of a great facilitator is to be quiet, look expectant, and silently start counting to yourself, “one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three…” If you get to eight or nine then move on. Remember your team needs time to respond to your request, time to think, time to decide to speak up. This 1-10 can be used in many ways: “How confident are you that our budget is accurate?” or “How do you feel about the project?” etc. Physicians are taught to take their own blood pressure before taking that of the patient, meaning to walk in the room aware, renewed, open. Facilitative leaders need to do the same.
