Hope Is the Fuel That Moves Teams

Hope might not be a strategy, but it is an emotional transmission that fuels movement. Just like that old college car stick shift that you had (or have a better model now!), movement happens when the clutch and the gear shift work in harmony. Hope may not be the plan and certainly is not the strategy, but it is the one thing to prevent the worst part of a team progress: discouragement. Your team will not tell you when they are discouraged but it you are alert you will see it in their eyes, in the way they come late, delay, or have no life in their voice. Paint hope, picture hope, talk about hope…it is all about movement.

Why Praise Falls Flat—and Encouragement Sticks

Ever try to praise your child or your employee and it seems to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect…amazing…awesome (most overused word of the decade by the way!)…better than…etc.” You may often hear the response, “Oh no I’m not…Amy is much better than I am…kind of you to say, but…” This may be worth considering when you tell me I am smart and I don’t think I am, I mentally cancel you out. When you compare me favorably to others and I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I really cancel you out either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!” Cancelled out again! However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team. Thank you.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so. I saw your special magic happen. Thank you.” This is called the Skill of Encouragement which always begins with “I” and some form of appreciate or like or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. Our experience with the skill however is that it is “sticky”…it persists in their memory.

Is it Necessary

When we bought our first home, we did all the things first time home buyers do: We bought stuff! Lawn mower, rakes, shovels, air conditioner cover for winter (this was a few years ago!), and a new this and a new that. My next-door neighbor who was much older and wiser when he noticed or I told him of my newest purchase always said the same thing: “Is it, was it, necessary?” This became a kind of motto for me in those early years and saved us a bit of cash. Today I still ask that when I’m preparing for a presentation or a facilitation of a pharma team. How is this plan, this PowerPoint slide, this activity…how are they necessary? Our audiences the ones within our teams and companies or our KOLs are much, much more discriminating these days with the value we present. They are, as Nido Qubein, President of High Point University, the value interpreters. When we focus on us alone, we exclude the ones who will know the real value…the audience. Every one of them is asking, silently of course, “Can you help me solve my problem? Can you improve my condition?”  Consider next time to strip down that PowerPoint deck and make room for what is necessary and for the audience to tell you what is useful.

The Art of an Introduction

How do you think of others?  How do you introduce them? I notice that physicians are known and introduced by their name and their specialty and…that’s it! It is as if they are a “noun” defined by a name and a thing…their specialty. Of course, depending on the specialty this can come with a raft of judgments! Surgeon? We all know what they are like, right? Hospice? They are so nice! But what if we help this definition-by-noun/title with a metaphorical verb/adverb after their name and specialty. “Dr. Hicks is our neurosurgeon and also a Boston marathoner and she is certainly that too in the OR and at the bedside…she never gives up.  Dr. Ana McKee at The Joint Commission holds three C-Suite titles and was once introduced by those titles (her nouns) with the following, “And she has met seven Supreme Court Justices (her husband is a Federal Judge) and you’d never know it unless you ask by the way she treats everyone not as better or worse but as who we are together.” Doesn’t this round out her identity to you a bit better than only her influential status at The Joint Commission? Who do you know at your place…and how do you both think about them and introduce them? Enhance their presence and you will enhance yours as well.

Don’t hate the black, don’t hate the white. If you get bitten, hate the bite.

(Sly Stone) introducing his song, “Everyday People.” It’s not personal and even if it is…take it as a professional. Taking anything ‘personal’ can take us easily to our place of inferiority, fear, and insecurity. Taking it professionally or at least pausing long enough to listen with the intent of providing the other person to have their say can help you from not becoming too hurt or increasingly resentful. Some people say stuff that hurts. Some are unaware or ignorant of the impact or are hurt themselves. Don’t let their words take you to a dark place within. Rather listen and if this is an important relationship, tell them about the “ouch.”

"The reason I say that is..."

Communication Tip: Use "The reason I say that is..."

Why? Because it gives people more time to hear, process, and actually consider what you’re saying—especially when sharing a new or challenging idea.

It’s a simple shift that encourages curiosity instead of resistance.

The importance of giving your audience choices

In your next meeting give people more choice. Lace your language with choice making: ‘Is it possible that…?’ ‘Could it be…?’ ‘I wonder if…?’ instead of making a judgement. Maybe you’ll decide to watch this video to learn more…or you could decide not to!

Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

The Meaning of Democracy

Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”

Montessori Teachers Know Something We Often Forget

Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.

Distribute Responsibility

Rudolf Dreikurs, MD advised, “The only way to teach responsibility is to give it.” I would also add, give it before the person is completely able. Physicians are taught with “See one, Do one, Teach one.” The Jesuits I teach at @Loyola University of Chicago recommend that if you really want to learn something then teach it. If you and I take all of the responsibility as the leader then there is little left for the team, and you will see passivity set it quickly and quite permanently.  If doctors were only taught to “See one, see one, see one” you can only imagine what happens when they actually “Do one”…on us!

Notes, Quotes, and Affirmations

Take notes on what your people say at meetings - the great quotes they spontaneously come up with, affirmations you hear. Then what if you sent a note out within an hour, a short note, that captured the essence of the meeting? Hearing our name out loud is precious and seeing it is special too. Does this memo take time? Yes. And your point is?

Conflict Well

Teach your team how to conflict, how to speak with discomfort, and how to stay in cooperative alliance with one another. In baseball the umpire is the judge deciding right and wrong; the manager roots for one team over the other; the spectators are anticipating action or eating; the players work to win…but the color commentator in the booth simply describes the action. What if, the next time conflict rears its head, you simply describe the action as it is happening verbally, with a flip chart, and/or further discussion in small groups? Always end the meeting, whether in teams or one-on-one, with a genuine thank you for the conflict. “You could have gone quiet, you could have told everyone in the parking lot or break room, or you could have bullied but you stayed and talked it out. Thank you. I know this might not yet be settled but I am confident we are going to figure this out.” When is the last time someone thanked you for having a conflict with them?

Provide Opportunities

Do you always have to run the meeting? What if you didn’t? What if two members of the team did it? One of my clients paired two warring members with a high-profile meeting where they were forced to cooperate. Of course, after a few of those meetings they became fast friends! Yes, they did! You really don’t have to do what they can do. One leader shows up at the beginning of a team meeting with an inquiry about what everyone wants to accomplish, gives some very brief perspective remarks, then leaves! He returns for the final 15 minutes with innocent curiosity and lots of encouragement.

Judge Not…Offer Last

As the leader of the group, the expert, the one with the experience it is quite tempting to weigh in early and often. It saves time, gets right to the point, and solves the problem. Or does it? What if you weighed in last, used some words the others had used, responded to someone who needed some affirmation with a “Tell me more…” and even asked some “I wonder…” questions? Of course, it is easy to judge who did their homework, who is the shining rising star, who is the pleaser, who shirks the spotlight; but what if instead of judging (in your mind or out loud) you simply say, “Isn’t that interesting!”

Resist Sarcasm

From the Greek word literally translated: “To tear the flesh like dogs!” Our inner translation when we are sarcastic: “Funny insightful me!”  The recipient’s inner experience: “Ouch!” This is common banter in our culture, especially among men. Perhaps it is a kind of jousting while ostensibly jesting. But consider what it is like to be the target of the sarcasm. That might not be as welcomed. Equivalent to being in a courtroom: would you rather be the one asking the questions or the one in the witness box having to answer them? We can replace sarcasm with encouragement…or even kindness!

Encourage, encourage, encourage…but rarely praise

Praise is a judgment of another person as if we are giving out Olympic medals. “You are a great student” or “You are the best (of this or that)” There is nothing essentially wrong with praise, other than it is easily dismissed by the other. “I’m not that great!” might be the response. The same if you compliment others on their presentation, hair, clothes, etc. Again, nothing wrong with it but instead try the skill of encouragement: “I noticed how hard you worked on that assignment” or “I felt inspired by the way the team rallied when Shanita was in the hospital.”  Encouragement speaks to effort, movement, strength, and faith in the person. Encouragement then can be used even when failure is right around the corner. Olympic beach volleyball players high five and hug after every play, even the plays that have gone wrong.  “I know this is really difficult for you and I want you to know that based on who I have seen you to be, I have a great deal of faith that you will do your best.” Consider the difference between these two statements after someone gives a great presentation: “Nice job, great speech.” Or “I must tell you how much I liked the way you emphasized the importance of the nurses in collaboration with the physicians in the ICU last week.”

Take Advantage of Unexpected Personal Moments

Our ‘work’ (no doubt replying to emails!) should never take preference over our department visits, our rounding with our physicians and nurses, or even showing up on the midnight shift unexpectedly, but with pizzas in hand…of course! Has a relative of your staff died? Attend the wake. In the hospital, sure you can send flowers, but make the note attached really special…not the words of your administration assistant, but heartfelt words from YOU.