You Asking Me?

When the question is not a question. “How do you feel about the stuff going on in the _________?” This is not a primary question requiring an answer. Instead, how about your response being, “Great question that I am grappling with… how do you feel about it?” More often than not they will begin and conclude some moments or lots of moments later. Don’t take the bait. Listen! Ask good questions! No need for your answer. If you are cornered, especially if it is a hot item or a politically charged issue you might ask yourself if you have a 50/50 chance of surviving the answer. So, what if you said this, “Thanks for asking, I’m not sure yet of my conclusion but I’m finding that there are at least three things roaming around in my brain: the people involved, the process, and what might be the unintended outcomes. How about you?” Questions are not always questions, sometimes they are statements.

Our Inner Censor

The time honored “Everyone loves hearing a good listener” is a stellar prescription for sales and management, finding (and keeping) a mate or when emotions get hot, and even mastering the job interview. This is not easy even for counselors and psychiatrists who are supposed to be listening divas! Coaches like to use the W.A.I.T. system Why Am I Talking!? Few good friends will tell you this, some bosses will, spouses might, three-year olds will just walk away. You have to rely on your own inner voice saying: “Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up”!

In Our Own Space

Mary Doria Russell wrote a terrific book, The Sparrow, that I recommend to my students at Loyola University of Chicago. It is about the first Jesuit settlement in outer space. The Jesuits are known for going where no man has gone before, like Canada, Chicago, and China long ago! In it she makes a passing reference aimed at those of us who go “on and on and on, and on” endlessly and sometimes mindlessly speaking without end. She recommends that these folks join the support group, On and On, Anon! How about you? Do you find that finding the period at the end of a sentence is difficult? Do you find that you nervously jump in when there is some natural silence? Or do you eagerly want to share your advice…medical, travel, relational, or Costo-ish (“Better get over there before they are all gone!”)? The issue here is not to go silent, but rather to tame our natural instinct for connection thinking that more of ‘me’ is what is required here.

The Quiet Mission That Matters

In this short video, I reflect on comparison, purpose, and the quiet impact we often overlook—like the adjunct professor who shapes lives without tenure. We all carry hopes that may never materialize, and others that surprise us. Both truths can coexist. Let’s honor the mission that’s uniquely ours.

Casinos have no clocks—maybe we shouldn’t either.

In a world of constant pings and notifications, our phones have become quiet companions that steal our presence. Before your next meeting or meal, turn it off. Not silent-off.
The most meaningful connections happen face to face, not screen to screen.
Technology helps us work, but it shouldn’t lead the way in relationship-building.
Watch this short video to explore how presence creates belonging—and why your next great conversation starts with putting the phone away.

Sharp and Memorable

Lee Goldberg the weatherman on ABC news always “dresses up” for his appearances on World News Tonight with David Muir… including his glasses! How many pairs does he have?! Even when he reports the news from outside the studio, he looks great with a touch of “different.” And it’s just enough to register. In fact, I couldn’t remember his name, so I Googled “ABC weatherman, news with David Muir, and well dressed” and he popped up immediately! How about you? Yes, we all dress professionally, but what rings a bell with your style? Remember your KOLs make enough money to know what kind of clothes you are wearing. You don’t need a lot of them but make them distinctive. And frankly, well-made clothes last longer and their style is never lost. One specialist asked me if my suit was a Brunello Cucinelli. I replied, “No just a Zegna!” He raised an eyebrow and we both had a laugh. (I didn’t tell him it was my only one!) You don’t need to buy either of those, but invest in something that catches the eye. You can vary your “single suit” with things as simple as your tie, pocket square, polished shoes (always!), your next pair or two of glasses, or a pin from your university. Madeliene Albright, the Secretary of State in the Clinton Administration, had a collection of unique pins that always accompanied her outfits. She was a pin collector! I met her at a coffee shop in Chicago one day and I approached her and thanked her for her service, and she was very warm and kind, used to the attention. I then asked about the pin she was wearing. Bright eyes and a story followed. It was her thing for sure! 

Presence Speaks Louder Than Mute

We have an attorney on the faculty in the department I teach at Loyola University in Chicago who when participating in our meetings online looks as if she is in person with her smile, her reactions and responses, and her full engagement with the presenter. We should hire this person as our sometimes-one-and-only full participant. Also on a self-centered note, consider not just the presenter, think about your boss who is also scanning the crowd. Will you stand out like our attorney professor at Loyola?

Blank Stares or…

How good of an audience member are we? Presenters often face a sea of faces with few smiles, little emotion, and blank stares…or worse, heads down checking phones and squeezing in one or more emails. They tell us speakers to engage with our audiences and that usually involves a strong opening story, some humor, and our movement around the stage making eye contact with the audience. Online can be a sea of…videos off! They can see us, and we cannot see them. So, as an audience and meeting member consider how you look to the presenter, to your boss, and to your client.

Presence Over Perfection: Rethinking How We Show Up at Events

Ever walk past an exhibit table where the only thing moving is a scrolling phone screen? I’ve seen it so often, and it got me thinking. In my latest video, I share my take on how to shift from passive to present when you're at an event: how standing, making the first move, and having a clear, personal pitch can make all the difference. It’s not about being flashy—it’s about being approachable and memorable. 

The Costanza Principle: What If Doing the Opposite Is the Key to Change?

So, this time, let’s turn the tables… You tell me! In a Seinfeld episode, George Costanza relayed that every decision he has ever made in his entire life was wrong. Jerry suggests that if every decision is wrong, what if he did the opposite? He even orders a different lunch (“Goodbye tuna on toast, coleslaw, and a cup of coffee; hello chicken salad on rye, untoasted, and a cup of tea!”) which catches the attention of a certain someone. Of course, George goes on to successfully introduce himself as unemployed and living with his parents to a woman he would have previously considered out of his league. Her response with a warm smile, “Hi I’m Victoria!”  So I’d like your thoughts… What makes people (or you!) successfully change? How do people make their diets stick? How do we finally decide to comply with our physician’s recommendations? What makes us change our parenting or spousing way of interacting? How do we stop being arrogant, jerky (same thing I guess!), indecisive, unquestioning, unprepared? What do you think is the key to change? Answers below please!

The Trouble with “Think”

Thinking is often a good thing. At a recent physician meeting the CEO posed a question to the group that he apparently poses to his inner circle repeatedly, “Do you know? Or do you think that you know?” Two vastly different things. Both can have data behind them, but more importantly, only one has confidence and personal responsibility behind them. My editor says, “I’ve been taught from a young age that “think” isn’t as helpful as we *think* it is.” “I think the parachute will open…I think the harness will hold steady…I think I’m ready…I think I saw a bear….I think I love you.” Confidence and responsibility will win the day. Not enough data yet? Go get it…before you see the bear again!

“Think” is a sometimes not so useful word! Do you know or do you think you know?

Words That Defuse, Not Divide

I listened to an interview where the head of a grassroots organization had lost funding for the event of the year from his major corporate donor. There were finances, people, and of course, politics involved. It was a heated issue and could have been a heated interview, but I noticed an interesting response on the part of the interviewee. Regardless of the pointed questions, the emotions, the differing facts on both sides, he peppered most of his answers with some form of the word “respect.”

As he did, I noticed I listened more closely instead of trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong. In response to a quoted somewhat curt reply from the donor, he’d say, “I understand that ________ is concerned about ______ and, respectfully, I’d like to add/suggest that another way to look at this is _________.”

In another part, he countered with, “With my greatest respect, I disagree but I personally know this person (donor) is a good man with the best of intentions. I do wish we could come to the table and share a way going forward with respect and honor.”

All his responses were laced with value words: “respect,” “concern,” “honor,” “gratitude,” etc. In doing so, he came across as a reasonable man whose organization was hurt by this corporate decision, a decision made by a corporate “good man that I know personally.”

I came away as a listener who was not in any way involved wondering, do I speak this way when the decisions (and the emotions) get hot?

And one more thing I noticed in this 4-minute interview—the interviewee never used the word “but.” However, the interviewer did!

Pull ideas from others

Instead of always pushing your perspective, try pulling ideas from others. Ask, listen, and create space for voices to emerge. Watch this video to learn more!

“I felt heard, thank you.”

“I felt heard, thank you.” This was the response I had from recent interactions with two different people. I didn’t ask for the response and frankly, I might have passed it off as a simple “thank you.” But the earnestness of their first three words took me by surprise.

It made me wonder how often I may have missed this message before. I also wondered how many times I may have missed helping someone to feel heard, with my focus instead working to “solve for” or advise or placate or quiz. Those people may have felt better heard by their dog, cat, or budgie!

Making someone feel heard doesn’t have to be complex—paraphrasing and empathy are powerful tools for simple communication.

When was the last time you said to yourself, “I felt heard”—or better yet, the last time someone told you, “I felt heard, thank you”?

“Well, here’s my opinion about that…”

“Well, here’s my opinion about that…” Do you ever feel your shoulders tense when you hear that phrase? I do!

I’ve noticed I have a visceral, negative reaction to self-described “opinionated people.” It’s not that I don’t value strong perspectives—quite the opposite.
But when someone leads with “Here’s my opinion,” it often lands as competitive, rigid, or even dismissive. There's an undertone of superiority that can shut down meaningful conversation before it starts.

What’s the alternative?

- A thoughtful question.
- An affirmation of someone else's experience.
- An invitation to explore the topic together.
- A willingness to be curious—not just right.

Of course, this could just be my own opinion (see what I did there?). But I believe that in a world full of noise and quick takes, how we share matters as much as what we share.

As leaders, colleagues, and humans, we always have a choice: Do we want to be right, or do we want to be connected?

What’s your experience with “opinionated” communication? Does it spark dialogue—or defensiveness?

Light Touch

Sometimes, a light touch is the most powerful way to communicate—especially when the stakes are high or emotions are running strong.

Watch this short video to learn how a softer approach can create more connection, not less.

A simple but telling question

Ask those who know you best (at work and at home) a simple but telling question: “What do I do well and what is one thing you might suggest that I consider doing more (or less!) of?”

We do this at the end of every semester with our students at Institute of Pastoral Studies - Loyola University Chicago. Everyone answers everyone including students telling professors. It is eye opening and encouraging.

We are already noticing it and thinking about it, so why not help another by offering it?

Use metaphors and stories

·        “Think of it as….”
·        “Sort of like…”
·        “It is as if….”
·        “I remember this one time when…”
·        “I once noticed…”
·        “One of my professors remarked that…”

In your meetings and presentation keep using metaphors and stories to keep the audience in alignment with you, to keep them interested, and to turn your expertise into useful information.

One of my attorney clients said with some exasperation, “How many ways can I explain the term ‘negligence’?” To all of us non-lawyers it is worth the effort. Your audience will always be polite and nod in agreement but retain nothing! So, check at the end of any technical explanation with the simple and powerful, “I’m trying to get better at this. Please tell me in your own words what you think negligence is.” You will be amazed how clear you were…or maybe you’ll have some clearing up to do!

Truly listening to the customer

I was recently reminded how crucial it is to truly listen to the customer and focus on answering their questions—without offering unsolicited advice. Watch this video to learn why understanding your audience is the key to building trust and delivering real value.

Personal connections

Watch this video to explore the importance of personal connection and how it can make all the difference.